Great error messages

[Tormod]

Do we have a thread on error messages? We should have one!

Here's today's catch: AVG anti virus was updating itself and threw this gem at me.

[Chacmool]

That's hysterical, Tormod!

[Tormod]

I almost just closed it, but it had never thrown an error at me before so I actually read it and ended up spilling coffee on my pants...

[Chacmool]

If a lady were capable of peeing (refer to this post in the poll on 'Asparagus pee'), I probably would have wet myself...

[Jay-qu]

Well I had a very interesting error today, I put my USB memory stick in a uni computer and as soon as I did the computer shut down nice one..

[Boerseun]

That was hilarious, T!

Even better than crazy error messages are brainless troubleshooting guides. I installed a new monitor on my PC the other day, and one of the gems from the user's guide went something like:

Problem: I do not see anything on my monitor.
Troubleshoot: Are you facing the monitor?

I know. Sounds like an old joke. But I kid you not - it's there. I guess the technical writers probably figure that nobody'll ever read it, so they fool around to see who can come up with the dumbest line. I sure hope that's the reason, because if these people print funnies like this in a serious frame of mind, then, well, God help humanity! But it gave me a good chuckle, though. Either that, or they've had it with Management and wanted to see how bad they can humiliate the company.

Another wellspring of idiocy is Microsoft's online troubleshooting guides. But they are not in the least humorous - they're just plain idiotic and useless.

[InfiniteNow]

For those of you in customer service or tech support:


=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the scr! een.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

========= ======


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get be! hind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


== =============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


&! nbsp; ===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is workin! g fine."


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[alexander]

come on, you guys have never heard of the more magic switch in MIT? that was awesome, some guy found a switch on one of the servers at MIT, upon examining it, he found that there was only one wire connected to a ground pin of the server mobo, and the switch had 2 positions: magic and more magic and it was in the more magic position. so the guy switches the server to magic position and the server shuts off... they still dont know how that happened, the only thing they could come up with is that the difference on base and the case was great enough to cause a micro fluctuation and cause the server to shut off...

oh and tormod, there is an easy way to fix that error... ubuntu

[Michaelangelica]

Did have ag ood one on my old mac

" 'Meaning of Life'
Not Found "

[alexander]

oh and i have stuff happen to me like that, using a serial cable to connect to a UPS, connect the serial cable to the UPS, connect it to the server, server shuts off.... wth?

one of the guys at work was fixing someone's laptop, it was in windows, and the screensaver was on, he presses space and the box blue screens...

installing Vista on my friend's laptop for fun, first boot, the thing comes to a loading screen and blue screens.

installing XP in vmware, first boot and the thing blue screens right before the login screen comes on

one of my dad's friends laptop would get to loading screen and then reboot... the process continues until you really physically shut off the laptop (pull the battery or press on for like 20 seconds)

old lady asks me to fix her system, i'm like what is the problem? it doesn't boot, ok, i boot it and it says "please try removing the floppy and boot again" i press on the button to eject the floppy and turn it on.... i was like, did you read the instructions?

network problems, is your switch plugged in? --Duuh...

-one of my friends- I have no sound on my laptop!
I know it works, have you tried turning the volume up?

here is a good one, comes from the guy who fixes hardware and images (ghosts) machines for our company (he dont know squat)
>well i gotta make another image for this laptop too now
why, the only difference is that this one has a centrino proc and that one is a P mobile
>well, you know, i gotta install the drivers for the processor
(i shake my head and walk away)

the same guy spends a day troubleshooting a network that had 2 dhcp servers serving ips, in the same range, with no communication between the two...

Presentation at HOPE this year, this guy explains how he reverse engineered the driver for the $30 digital video camera. End of a presentation, he mentions something about some PHP page something, someone stands up and asks "Excuse me, what is PHP?"

i dunno i have more... to tired to remeber...