Schizophrenia by Ryan Henningsgaard

ryan2006 · 12-14-2006

Schizophrenia has at some times ruined my life. At others it has changed the way I think. Mostly being emotionally disturbed is not a way to live. There are medications to calm the anger such as tranquilizers but for me it is disabling. I have problems making friends or have this site has given me the opportunity to express my theories, ideas, and a little of what the voices said. Such as "Why don't we witness galaxies colliding with the edges of our known universe." This came immediately after the BBC announcement on dark matter after Harvard had made a press release. I heard that over the radio. Perhaps I do not understand myself how destructive this disease is to people but my intentions were not to hurt or harm anyone by doing it. I had no control over it. It made me want to be someone important so that I could look at the psychiatrist and say you know I am an important person. And the tears I have cried have been many. But I do not take my life for granted I really enjoy studying trees. They don't make me feel alone. They are all silent but they tell a story. I am moving on with my life and taking a more positive approach instead of trying to validate this or that I am validating things here where I live for myself. That life is important that all the negative things in my life are better not talking about and that by learning I am better. By reading and writing no matter how bad my spelling, grammer, and syntax I can still communicate with reason and warmth. I am not an evil person I don't think anyone is by nature. I think the disease could control my life if I let it but I have refused to give up trying and it is making me well. I have suffered way too long. I do take medication but I don't know if it helps me or not I think the best help I've gotten is from an educator who had the time and patience to see to it that I continued to read, write and learn even if it was a sentence a day and through my own will to not give up aside from the humility I am better every day I think today is a new day. I am sorry if what some of the people on this site took as offending but I am a little more sad about it than you might think. I hate when I explode into nonsense.

ryan2006 · 12-14-2006

I will tell you how I realized I had an illness whether subconsious or a predisposition to stress. I believed Joan of Arc talked to me. Years later after getting a tattoo of Joan on my arm a man in a religious coffee shop asked what language she spoke in and I replied "English" well she was French so I was totally insane. I had voices of JFK, JFK Jr., and RFK I went through many phases and after realizing that Joan spoke in English I recently accepted that I am schizophrenic. One man says remote viewing but I don't know. I believed I was either JFK or RFK at one point and I believed they were ghosts. But I must have been completely off my rocker the past 10 years. Anyway, to clarify what some may deem possession by spirits must be schizophrenia because Joan spoke in English. She wanted me to build a hospital a large undertaking for someone like me. It could still be done but I think Jesus was about peace not about war. And I explain it like waking from a coma.

ryan2006 · 12-14-2006

I am not any of the above. JFK,RFK or Joseph I am Ryan J. Henningsgaard. I am Ryan J. Henningsgaard!!! It truly is a wonderful feeling to feel as you have known yourself playing in the garden as a child or climbing an apple tree or sledding down the hills of your hometown when you were a child!!

ryan2006 · 12-14-2006

Listen, I just had a moment. I am really confused over the past ten years about all the theories regarding Ryan and honestly I don't care what you have to say about my condition anymore. I had this moment like o.k. here we go again and it would all start over again. People trying to accuse me of all sorts of things. Well if you think I am a bad person you can stick it in your ear cause I am not. I tried to document this story in a book. It didn't just come down to a few simple paragraphs this story has been going on for quite some time. And I am not famous and I don't want to be. I just wanted to expand on theories of the universe it has kept me busy for a long time and it has kept my sanity because I didn't have to be any of the Kennedies I could be someone who was willing to make a life for himself aside from the voices. It kept my mind off all the inner turmoil that was happening and if you don't want to open a dialogue that is o.k. but if you have any questions I would welcome them. I have been finally able to discern what is well maybe I can't discern what is real from not real anymore but we only use 10%of our brains and 90%of the universe doesn't even exist!! So what does that tell you that as one man on this site puts it. "If quantum mechanics is correct, then the world is crazy" well when I am not distressed over communicating I listen to Willy Nelson, Johnny Cash, the Traveling Wilbury's, Enya and I like to look at pictures of trees, flowers, and I like to walk in the rain even if it is 20 degrees outside. I like to laugh I like to smile when I am not being attacked for something I said. I do have friends but no one comes to my place I think they are afraid of me. I am really a gentle person. I got caught up in the war and now I am trying to find peace with this world. I think people's laughter can sometimes be taken wrong and I have thought everyone was talking about me and I would wonder how hated I was but I am not a bad person. So if you have a question about what it is like to live under these conditions feel free to ask I can tell you a story or I don't want you to just read and go away I really want to have a talk with you. Perhaps a discussion please do not be afraid of me.

InfiniteNow · 12-14-2006

I think you're afraid of you, Ryan. It's like you're running from a shadow that is forever with you. That, and a failure to understand the usefulness of

The enter key.

ryan2006 · 12-14-2006

You are absolutely right I am afraid of going off my medication cause my neighbor who holds ten degrees says I am afraid of going off my medication.
I made a promise to my mom not to go off of them cause our family went through hell.

ryan2006 · 12-14-2006

I am sorry Infinite. I just have a splitting headache right now. I am listening to "Blue Eyes Cry'in in the Rain" to ease it cause I don't have any Advil.

InfiniteNow · 12-14-2006

The meds are just a screen on your world. Your world is hard. I get that. But it's always your world.

Focus on your breathing.
Focus on your okayness.
Just focus.

The rest will come to you.

I think,