breaking automatic answers?

[Gulielmus]

When dealing with people for a period of time you gain their trust, at this point they let down some of the defenses, masks and automatic answers. Now that you have seen who they “really” are, the person that comes from inside not just a regurgitation of information, how do you remind them that you have seen who they really are? When they put on the masks when they are with you, for what ever reason, is their some why to snap them out of it without hurting their feeling or killing the conversation on hand?

[orbsycli]

all depends on the person. i deal with this through the eyes.

[IrishEyes]

I think it depends on the situation. Some people are very private, and it takes forever to discover who they 'really' are. Others are more open, and they are very up-front with what they stand for. When you encounter a person in the first group, and they do take off their mask, you've been given a gift, in my opinion. You ahve to treat that with respect. They obviously don't trust everyone enough to share their inner thoughts and feelings. If they choose NOT to share that in a group setting, even though they have shared it with you in a more personal setting, let them play their little game, and then discuss it in private. Ask them about it. People have many reasons for doing this. And I think most of us, if very honest, will admit to having more than one personality, depending on the situation and group that we are in. I know that's true for me, and virtually every person that I know. I don't think it makes a person two-faced, just multi-faceted...

[kaelcarp]

When you think about it, who a person really is is made up of both the mask and what is under it. A person's public face, so to speak, is no less a part of their makeup than their private self. You can tell a lot about a person just from how they present themselves, even if it isn't an honest representation of what is beneath.

Forcing someone to take off their mask when they normally wouldn't is basically asking them to be something other than what they are. While that isn't a bad thing in and of itself, the best way to truly see a person is to never force the issue and let them do it when the time is right for them.

[Gulielmus]

This question started because a needed a fast answer, some people dont work well with fast answers i understand and respect that but their should be a formula for it. In the end he give me a automatic answer, which then made the situation far more complicated because i left town for a coupple of days and all hell broke lose. I'm very respectfull to the trust that is put in me, but when you need something quickly and dont have time to work your way around all the barriors, is their some why to be serious, not hurt their feelings, communicate you question, and get an answer?

[kaelcarp]

Originally Posted by Gulielmus

This question started because a needed a fast answer, some people dont work well with fast answers i understand and respect that but their should be a formula for it. In the end he give me a automatic answer, which then made the situation far more complicated because i left town for a coupple of days and all hell broke lose. I'm very respectfull to the trust that is put in me, but when you need something quickly and dont have time to work your way around all the barriors, is their some why to be serious, not hurt their feelings, communicate you question, and get an answer?

You just have to be tactful. There's no real formula for it. You have to be aware of the potential sensitivities of the other person. With some people, you can bluntly say, "Tell me for real. I know you enough and I want you to be honest and from the heart." With other people, you have to first get them into the state in which they were open with you to begin with.

[sanctus]

Well I would quickly explain that I need his/her help and that's very important and that I want no offense and then I would ask the question.

About the mask do people ever take off their mask?
I don't think so, they just change it one has got his public mask, the mask for close friends the mask for the partner and so on. I think it is very hard to be without mask. For example when you are with your partner you aren't yourself, already only because you maybe don't say the things which go through your head directly as ou think them, because you know some things might hurt you partner. I don't see nothing negative in that, but to me reciprocal respect is a kind of mask as well.