Is it possible to have subconcious fear of certain people?

[lemit]

bochen2,

I know exactly what you are going through. I too went through it with my parents when they were still alive, but I learned to manage the reaction.

The way I dealt with it was to accept it as a legitimate part of myself, although I never fully understood its foundations. With the acceptance that part of me seemed to be afraid of my parents (whom I loved very much and now miss every day), I was able to make the fear reaction shorter and shorter, until it was finally more a memory than a feeling.

A very important multiplier of the reaction is the embarrassment it causes. You become afraid you're going to look like you're afraid.

I gained the ability to process those complex, inexplicable emotions by going through six years of therapy. I would recommend it. Who knows, maybe even if you can't deal with those emotions, you can deal with enough other emotions to diffuse the internal complexities and gain the space to handle your fear reactions.

Good luck.

--lemit

[dannieyankee]

Originally Posted by pamela

well Dannie, maybe i can find it
I am not sure about the signals or exactly why i felt as such. Really kinda strange, i admit. Some people are really good at masking their behaviour. I had a friend once, who completely fooled me. Now granted, i am the type of person that always tries to see the good in people, and hence has put me in a couple of situations, that should have been avoided. I have become more cautious and intuitive as the years have gone by, as was certainly needed. Any how this friend, went to great lengths to fabricate a story of love and marriage proposal from a wonderful guy in a beautiful mountain setting on the previous weekend. I of course was happy for her. But come to find out, to my extreme horror, was a weekend of a brutal killing, dismemberment, and burning of evidence in the mountains. I was in complete shock as i saw the true story unfold on the news. I totally missed that signal if it was there.

Alas, I am like you; it's very hard for me to see anyone in a bad light, and if I do I override it with a more positive light.

I suppose we instinctively put up a field and refuse to see any lies in a situation that may impact us emotionally; logically thinking, wouldn't this be a sort of biological 'safe' method of keeping us from extreme pain? And, of course, I think humans tend to see the rational and logical, and look for puzzles. If your friend never killed or dismembered someone before and you see the act as irrational and illogical, it would be more difficult for you to come up with that concept as opposed to seeing a complete stranger, who has no emotional affect on you, committing something much more common, such as a robbery or a normal, non-dismembered murder of another stranger of whom you have no idea whether or not they knew.

[pamela]

I am not sure if this person had murdered before the said incident. This was almost 20 years ago, but i do remember replaying the conversations in my head to see if i had missed any clues as to the deception. I imagine if in the same situation now, i would be able to see through the lies or at least realize a red flag

[dannieyankee]

Originally Posted by pamela

I am not sure if this person had murdered before the said incident. This was almost 20 years ago, but i do remember replaying the conversations in my head to see if i had missed any clues as to the deception. I imagine if in the same situation now, i would be able to see through the lies or at least realize a red flag

Do you think that between the time you thought they were innocent and now that there has been evidence provided to you to assert this idea?

To reword, did something happen that made you think they were capable of said act?

[mynah]

Originally Posted by pamela

well Dannie, maybe i can find it
I am not sure about the signals or exactly why i felt as such. Really kinda strange, i admit. Some people are really good at masking their behaviour. I had a friend once, who completely fooled me. Now granted, i am the type of person that always tries to see the good in people, and hence has put me in a couple of situations, that should have been avoided. I have become more cautious and intuitive as the years have gone by, as was certainly needed. Any how this friend, went to great lengths to fabricate a story of love and marriage proposal from a wonderful guy in a beautiful mountain setting on the previous weekend. I of course was happy for her. But come to find out, to my extreme horror, was a weekend of a brutal killing, dismemberment, and burning of evidence in the mountains. I was in complete shock as i saw the true story unfold on the news. I totally missed that signal if it was there.

Your friend killed someone, was involved with someone who killed someone, was forced to cover up a murder, or was an innocent witness? Each is a scenario way outside normal experience, and knowing how to deal with it would be very difficult for both you and the friend - whether the friend was guilty or not.

[pamela]

Originally Posted by dannie

Do you think that between the time you thought they were innocent and now that there has been evidence provided to you to assert this idea?

To reword, did something happen that made you think they were capable of said act?

hmmm. I had always wondered if she had been telling me the truth about her boyfriend, before the incident.She was one of my clients that i had befriended, so mainly our friendship was on the phone. She lived about an hours drive away.Once, when we had visited i had met her friend.The way they interacted with each other, would have suggested they were estranged lovers. I did not ask, and she did not say.When the news story unfolded, they were indeed lovers. The friend was leaving her and taking their son(whom the friend had birthed for them) and was leaving her.Best as i can figure, my friend, in a twisted maternal rage and control issues, killed her lover. The romantic weekend in the mountains, was for burning her dismembered body. Honestly, never dare to assume that you really know someone. If there were red flags other than lying about her being a lesbian, i must have missed them.I knew she had committed the crime, when i saw her eyes on the news.Even in her verbal denial, her stone cold empty look, gave her away.

Originally Posted by mynah

Your friend killed someone, was involved with someone who killed someone, was forced to cover up a murder, or was an innocent witness? Each is a scenario way outside normal experience, and knowing how to deal with it would be very difficult for both you and the friend - whether the friend was guilty or not.

well, i felt betrayed, frightened, angry and finally sad.I could not bring myself to visit her in prison or to ever write her, i let the friendship die. I have oftened wondered what had became of their son. Both my friends mom and the 4 year old son, were present at the murder. Infact, her mom, tried to help cover it up. I hope that the son was able to get past that horrific nitemare and have a well adjusted life.
We all suffer emotional trauma in our lives, and often times it is not easy getting past that. I choose to not walk in fear, anger and mistrust;it is far better to hope and see the good in people.I am more intuitive though, and able to clearly see when some one or something is amiss

[dannieyankee]

[QUOTE=pamela;264836]hmmm. I had always wondered if she had been telling me the truth about her boyfriend, before the incident.She was one of my clients that i had befriended, so mainly our friendship was on the phone. She lived about an hours drive away.Once, when we had visited i had met her friend.The way they interacted with each other, would have suggested they were estranged lovers. I did not ask, and she did not say.When the news story unfolded, they were indeed lovers. The friend was leaving her and taking their son(whom the friend had birthed for them) and was leaving her.Best as i can figure, my friend, in a twisted maternal rage and control issues, killed her lover. The romantic weekend in the mountains, was for burning her dismembered body. Honestly, never dare to assume that you really know someone. If there were red flags other than lying about her being a lesbian, i must have missed them.I knew she had committed the crime, when i saw her eyes on the news.Even in her verbal denial, her stone cold empty look, gave her away.


This is hard to follow - did she dismember her boyfriend or apparent lesbian lover?

So, did you trust her BEFORE you discovered she killed someone?

[mynah]

Two men I've known went on to murder their partners. I only spent one evening in the company of one, and he did not make much of an impression: He was rather quiet and moody-looking, in contrast to his girlfriend, who was vivacious, beautiful and a top model. At the time her father said that he did not like the guy, though he did not say why. Later, after she had dumped him, he followed her to another city and killed her before shooting himself in the head. (He was blinded, but survived.)

The second case involved a classmate at university. He tried to get me into bed even though he was engaged at the time (I discovered later). Our lecturers thought him a paragon of virtue and an example to us all, but he was the first person I met in connection with whom the word "psychopath" came to my mind, and rather strongly, at that. I'm not sure why I singled him out: He didn't appear aggressive and knew how to butter up people, but he held some extremist views and seemed to have no conscience at all. He went on to marry his fiancee, and years later killed her - ironically because he suspected her of having an affair.

To get back to the thread, sometimes those uneasy feelings about people do mean you're dealing with a person of whom you should steer clear. I'd say, however, that in many instances, it is simply a matter of having a complex relationship with someone - as with your parents, who both nurture and discipline you.

[pamela]

Dannie-She murdered her lesbian lover, there had never been a boyfriend. She fabricated the story for me. I never had any indication before the murder, that she was capable of such an act. She may have just snapped. Interesting though, her boss, who was also a friend of mine, committed suicide 2 months prior to her act. Now this struck me as really odd. He was anything but suicidal in his words and behaviour. After the murder, i had wondered if there was fowl play involved with him. She had loathed him.
I had trusted her with a level of trust you give out generally, but not implicitely.Remember, i had thought she was hiding her homosexuality and hence lying about it. By no means did i ever imagine that this funny, kind human being was ever capable of killing. Apparently is was all facade. I did not have a subconcious fear as the title of this thread, i was simply blinded to the evil reality that was going on.

I agree Mynah, and i certainly do not dismiss those feelings now without taking a subjective look as to why i feel them. I am careful about whom i choose to call friend. The word is important to me and what it stands for.

this thread has really taken a creepy turn....

[mynah]

Especially strange (and creepy) that she managed to appear so normal and upbeat afterwards... How did they trace the murder to her?

A few years ago a former student who had been taught by my sister at an upper class local school murdered his parents and brother. My sister was gobsmacked when she heard it: According to her, he'd been one of the sweetest, best-behaved kids in her class.