I have known for a long time now that I have no faith in a divine creator. I do hold open the possibility that there are more highly evolved forms of life than humans, but I do not believe they are all powerful or all knowing.
There is a common saying in the military that "There are no atheists in a fox hole." I found that interesting from a psychological perspective, the idea that a person facing mortality would find that one remaining sliver of faith. I always figured that I would be the one that would hold tight to my belief that religion is a construct of mans mind to deal with what they did not understand. Although, I knew that until I faced that, or a similar situation, that I would never know for sure. Well, I am now facing that situation, and I can confirm that I have not even a shred of faith, and that there is no benevolent omnipotent creator. It only took the worst day of my life to get confirmation.
Wednesday started out like a relatively normal day. Well, pretty close to normal, my wife was pestering me because Thursday, August 7th, was my birthday and she wanted to make absolutely sure that I was going to stay home and enjoy my birthday. I assured her yes and started my day normally; ate breakfast, got on the commuter train to work, started working. Well, that day we also had our first sonogram scheduled. My wife is 22 weeks pregnant and we were going to get the sonogram that day to see the baby and such. She picked me up at work and we went to the appointment. We started to see pictures and my wife was full of smiles. The technician left the room a couple times and when she did my wife smiled and said how happy she was. Then came heartbreak... They found an abnormality, a non-critical, but serious situation. They explained the condition to us, it is called
Gastroschisis (Fetal Diagnosis and Treatment - Children's Hospital of Philadelphia). If your interested you can read the article I linked from Philadelphia Children's Hospital about it. That is not the point of this post.
Obviously, my wife is very upset about this and has been crying off and on for two days now. She keeps trying to figure it out and keeps wanting to know the reason why this happened to us. I have found it curious how I have reacted to this news though. I have not sought a reason at all. Not even in a passing thought have I tried to figure out the "why us" which you would think is the natural response. I have not had to because I know that there is no why. There is no reason why this would be inflicted on a still developing baby. It is a biological abnormality (1 out of every 5000 babies will experience this). Oh, I have a well of emotions going on, as any expectant father would have, but never resentment, never anger, no emotions that you could associate with a "creator" for inflicting this upon us. I have fear, I have apprehension, I have TERROR; but nothing that could even be associated with a person or thing. I think any person facing this situation who still retained even a shred of faith would experience the emotions of outrage, anger, resentment, and everything else you could towards a creator at this moment in time. If you believed in a god and had this inflicted on you how could you not be mad at him/her?
So, out of the most horrible situation I have ever been in, having received the most terrifying news of my life, I find myself with a confirmation that I have no faith. I have progressed past the crutch that is religion. To tell the truth, it has made this entire situation easier though. How could not having religion make the situation easier you ask? Is religion not supposed to comfort you in a time like this? Guess what, it does not. Not at all. I don't need to worry about the "why". I don't have to ponder the reason why this happened. I don't have to wonder if I did some thing to deserve this. Really, what could you do to deserve this? But so many people are left trying to answer that question at a time like this. It is easier because I am not getting caught up in those meaningless and pointless questions. I am able to focus on the solution. I am able to focus on getting the best care possible. I can see the situation as clearly as possible.
Have you ever considered that before? That having faith in a creator and the creator's plan forces people to painfully question why bad things happen to them? If you believe in "Gods reason for everything" that can inevitably lead to feelings of guilt.
Only two days after receiving this devastating news, yes it is still devastating even if you don't believe in a creator, I am able to say that I am feeling OK. This problem is correctable and there will be no lasting effects. The prognosis is good and as long as there are no complications we will have a happy and healthy baby after a couple of surgeries. I am also very thankful that I had the understanding I did at this time, because if I had my families catholic guilt to contend with I don't know that I would be functional at the moment.
In the end, I have discovered that in times of crisis, faith can only hurt you, not help you.
