Relationship conundrum

[Tormod]

I voted "maybe" but frankly I don't think it's possible to be *platonic* friends after 7 years. However in my wife's family people divorce yet they stay close forever (it seems they are unable to imagine a world without their exes, or maybe they just don't think it worthwhile to sever all ties). So at family parties we bascially meet all the current couples, their exes, and sometimes they even overlap (usually found out in hindsight).

I am at the lucky end of this deal since my wife had no serious boyfriends.

I mean, she *told me so*!

[freeztar]

Originally Posted by InfiniteNow

The fact that you have thought about to such an extent as to post it here... that you have been struggling internally to decide what is happening and if the situation is or is not okay... that you have such lingering questions and concerns about the relationship he has with the ex... is itself indicative of where your mind is on this and the health of your relationship with him.

Bingo!

I had this happen to me recently, though slightly different circumstances.
I told my gf that I did not like her seeing her ex. It became tumultuous, but in the end, she agreed.
Relationships involve many sacrifices, from both sides, to work properly (Hence why I'm going Salsa dancing tomorrow ). If I were you, I'd raise your concerns and respectfully ask that he tries to put himself in your shoes. If he cares for you and respects you (and is wise enough), he will take actions to make things better. If not, then it might be time to question his sacrifices, or desire to be with you.

[Chacmool]

Thanks a million for the helpful comments, everyone! This continues to be a very tricky situation for me. I've already cried buckets full but hopefully I can find some kind of resolution or compromise soon.

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by InfiniteNow

One point I forgot to make, and it essentially supercedes all points or comments made already...

The fact that you have thought about to such an extent as to post it here... that you have been struggling internally to decide what is happening and if the situation is or is not okay... that you have such lingering questions and concerns about the relationship he has with the ex... is itself indicative of where your mind is on this and the health of your relationship with him.




Tell me about your dreams. Include pictures...

InfinateNow is such a bad person (LOL his previous posts)
Then he comes out with this gem of advice.

Have you discussed your feelings with your boy-friend?
Have you told him how you feel?
(Keep it to feelings not thoughts- feelings can't be too wrong -thoughts can be very wrong)
I always find crowded restaurants and a bottle of wine help.
(Homicide is unlikely with lots of witnesses).

I said "no" but did they grow up together?
What family, social, work, connections do they have?
Is the 0ther Girl a social worker/psychologist/counselor?
Maybe, then, I should have said maybe.

[Boerseun]

A bit of a conundrum, indeed...

I'm still very good friends with at least 90% of my ex-girlfriends, but wouldn't say 'best' friend. My 'best friends' are people willing to kill a cow with me and stand around the fire roasting the carcass, drinking beer and farting whilst the rugby game is on the telly in the background.

But I digress...

You should be careful with the whole situation, because without wanting to depress you any further, it seems as if a fairly big chunk of the population still in touch with their old flames engage in casual sex with them, 'for old time's sake'. It was an article on the 'net the other day, I'll look for it.

Hopefully it's nothing, but it always helps to be careful.

It might also be as Tormod says, simply an unwillingness of letting go of the familiar.

Good luck!

(also a big reason why I'm still single, and NOT looking! Haven't been happier in years! But not everyone is happy single, so don't take that as any form of advice...)

[Chacmool]

Thanks guys.

Originally Posted by Michaelangelica

Have you discussed your feelings with your boy-friend?
Have you told him how you feel?
(Keep it to feelings not thoughts- feelings can't be too wrong -thoughts can be very wrong)
I always find crowded restaurants and a bottle of wine help.
(Homicide is unlikely with lots of witnesses).

I said "no" but did they grow up together?
What family, social, work, connections do they have?
Is the 0ther Girl a social worker/psychologist/counselor?
Maybe, then, I should have said maybe.

I've discussed my feelings endlessly. He simply doesn't seem to understand why I have a problem with the situation. He claims there is no physical attraction between them at all anymore, but he refuses to let go of the friendship or even to downscale her to something less than his best friend.

The met each other when they were working together about ten years ago. They still work in the same industry, but not at the same company.

Originally Posted by Boerseun

You should be careful with the whole situation, because without wanting to depress you any further, it seems as if a fairly big chunk of the population still in touch with their old flames engage in casual sex with them, 'for old time's sake'. It was an article on the 'net the other day, I'll look for it.

Hopefully it's nothing, but it always helps to be careful.

It might also be as Tormod says, simply an unwillingness of letting go of the familiar.

Great... I foresee many more sleepless nights ahead. Actually, that might not be such a bad thing because at least that will keep me from having more nightmares.

[Qfwfq]

Originally Posted by Chacmool

Perfectly understandable!

I think it's largely a matter of trust, that one can only judge knowing her very well. Thorny problem. Become as close a friend of hers as possible and use your "nose". How fine is your sense of smell?

Originally Posted by Chacmool

...especially on the kitchen counter.

Oooooh, now that's ambiguous!!!!

[TheFaithfulStone]

Originally Posted by chacmool

I've discussed my feelings endlessly. He simply doesn't seem to understand why I have a problem with the situation. He claims there is no physical attraction between them at all anymore, but he refuses to let go of the friendship or even to downscale her to something less than his best friend.

Doesn't look good.

ON THE OTHER HAND - and it's a BIG hand.

Do not take relationship advice from people you know only from the internet from a forum where people discuss theoretical astrophysics and quantum mechanics.

I can almost guarantee you that's a bad idea.

TFS

[C1ay]

Originally Posted by Chacmool

I've discussed my feelings endlessly. He simply doesn't seem to understand why I have a problem with the situation. He claims there is no physical attraction between them at all anymore, but he refuses to let go of the friendship or even to downscale her to something less than his best friend.

Me thinks that he's not trying as hard as he could to nurture the relationship he has with you. I have several old girl friends I could spend a day or a night with talking for hours about old times with nary a threat of being unfaithful to my wife but, I would not want my wife to know about it because she would just be hurt that I did something she really didn't want me to do. IMO, he's putting his feelings ahead of yours. I'd watch it.

[Fatstep]

My girlfriend's ex is one of her best guy-friends, and I don't exactly like it, at all. I do not think it's possible for them to be just friends after they've been though a relationship and actual love, but she comstantly reassures me she'd never make the same mistake twice, being as she gave him a second chance, so I'm not sure.

If I were you I wouldn't want him being "best friends" with her, because I'm sure you often times feel jealous, and it doesn't sit easy with me when she's mad at me and talks to him. just doesn't.