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Phantom Cow of Justice
Location:
Hartbeespoort, South Africa
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Re: Things you love to hate
Things I love to hate?
Cats.
I hate cats.
I despise cats.
I hate and despise each and every single individual cat, individually and personally.
The little f***ers look so cute when they're little, toying with a ball of string, making your heart melt with their cute attempts at disemboweling that fuzzy ball of wool.
And that's precisely the problem.
They worm their way into your heart via blatant cuteness. Which is our fault, because through thousands of years of artificial selection, we (as the external selector sieve) only allowed those who are cute to procreate. Yet, we should've only selected those who suck at hunting. But NOOOOO... we didn't like rats and mice, did we?
So instead of going for a bath every now and then and upping our personal hygiene to the levels where we won't have rats and mice in our houses, we bred the most vicious gratuitous killing machines in the history of the galaxy.
Back in the 70s and 80s when I grew up, there were thousands of chameleons in our towns, eyeballing each other with their crazy eyes, every now and then gobbing a fly out the tree for lunch. Sadly, they are no more. I haven't seen a single chameleon in my area for more than twenty years, now. And suspect number one is that cute little kitty cat stretching himself out on your lap.
Yes, I hate cats. I cannot tell you how much I hate cats. If I die one day (the jury is still out on that one 'cause when I was eleven I sold my soul to the devil for immortality) I will bequeath my entire estate to mandatory neutering of felines, so that the entire species can just go quietly into the night.
De-ball your cat. Jesus wants you to.
God, I hate cats.
In the wild, lions and tigers only kill as much prey as they need to survive. There are many more prey than lions, and those lions who kill for the hell of it (or because they're merely reacting to instinct when seeing something move) will soon die out. But your cute little Felix was bred to kill, hungry or not, to react to the instinct of ripping a new a-hole for anything that moves, so that you won't have rats and mice on your house. And he can always go home to a full bowl of food - so it doesn't matter if he kills every single moving thing in the neighbourhood.
And they're nowhere indigenous, in any sense. They are artificially produced, artificially introduced, artificially vicious invader species that deserves nothing less than total extermination. The pest of mice and rats have now successfully been replaced by the pest of cats. We should now all invest in dogs who're selected to have a taste for pussy.
Part of my estate will go towards the development of cat-flavored dog food so as to assist in the above, to assist in teaching canines The Way.
God, I hate cats.
Cats are Pure Evil.
And no, it's not "cute" when your little kitty brought you a little "present". That little "present" used to be a little bird that was about to make a little nest in the tree in your back yard, the same tree where his ancestors have been nesting for decades, from even before you were born. They've been coming and nesting in your valley since before Jesus was born, man. Come on. And now you bring this bloody cat into the neighbourhood, because thousands of years ago the Egyptians thought it was cute to domesticate the bloody useless things. And your cat simply removed that little birdie from the equation, because it can. It didn't even eat the poor thing. It will bat it around, tear its guts out, kick it around some, get bored, and move on.
Cats suck.
Don't get one. And support free neutering and declawing programmes in your area, for the love of God, Thor, Zeus, Baal, Apollo, Gaia and Nigel down by the pub.
I beg you. Don't get a cat. Get a dog rather - at least they don't climb trees (well, normally) and they respect fences. And they're a bit too clumsy to kill small defenseless little critters (well, mostly).
If you can't bear the thought of being without your cat, you can still euthanize it, have it stuffed and use it as a doorstop. That will probably be the most productive thing your cat has ever done in its entire bloodthirsty life. Unless you get a dog that knows The Way. In which case you'll have a pretty mangled doorstop in no time, with its stuffing spilling out all over the floor. Which is pretty much poetic justice, after all.
Imagine your dog ripping your cat's entrails out, and batting it around for hours while your cat slowly bleeds to death, contemplating all the little animals it has done the exact same thing to before finally giving up the furry ghost. That certainly won't be "cute" in any way or form, will it? So why the hell to we tolerate cats doing it to all the little innocent critters in the back yard?
God, I hate 'em.
I will stop, now. I've already worked myself into a fury here. I don't want to suffer cardiac arrest because of my anger towards cats, because I'm alone at home for this week, and if I drop down dead only the neighbour's cat will notice it as he makes his nightly foray into my kitchen. And it will be the final indignity if that bastard starts gnawing at my corpse before my demise is discovered and my earthly remains is dispatched in a more dignified manner.
I can't bear the thought of having to lie in a closed casket at my funeral because a cat ate my nose.
Which just might happen.
So, in closing, don't get a cat. We have to stop the cycle of cuteness. I beg you, man.
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