Quality Jokes and Humor

[Colby]

The company policy one is beautiful.

A priest and two Rabbis are walking along the beach. The priest is going on about all the miracles Jesus performed, and when he mentions that Jesus walked on water one of the Rabbis interrupts with, "That's nothing, I can do that now!". The priest, who not suprisingly doesn't buy this, dares him to. The Rabbi, sure enough, walks out over the water, comes back, and keeps walking. The stunned priest follows for a while, and eventually exclaims, "Well if you can do it, surely I can to!". And so the priest walks out into the water and drowns. The Rabbi looks to the other and says, "You think we should've told him about the sand bar?"

[Racoon]

Whats the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds



Whats the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes

[Racoon]

Originally Posted by Racoon

Whats the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral ??

A: There's one less drunk...

What does a 60 year old woman have between her tits that a 20 year old doesn't?

A: a bellybutton



Shame on me!

[ronthepon]

Originally Posted by JerryB

This is for ROTFLMAO humor. Please uphold
the standards. If you're not sure about the quality of your humor,
check the next 4 posts for samples.

What happened to upholding the standards?

(My answer to the last question was censored by the universal censor board)

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by Racoon

Whats the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral ??

A: There's one less drunk...

Unfortunately this is true like many Irish Jokes.
i don't know if this is the forum to bare my sole but here goes:_
My mother's maiden name was O'Rourke
(My mother could NOT understand Irish jokes "Well you would need that many electricians. . .light bulbs. . whatever- wouldn't you??" She once range me when I was running amail order business to tell me that postage rates were to be increase on the morrow and I should rush out and buy lots of stamps today while they were cheap. i just said "yes mum" i had long ago l learnt not to try to explain things to her)
My wife's family were the Kellys.
We decided to have a VERY formal wedding with few guests, as traditionally all family weddings ended in many cases of altercations, arguments and aggravated assault charges.
We thought we did well the wedding and reception went off with hardly a hitch.(Well. .The wedding veil catching on the pew while father of the bride pulled one way(thinks- "You're not backing out now!") the bride pulling the other way (thinks-"Help I'm stuck!)

However we had forgotten one very small detail.
That was to tell the caterers' that there should be a limit to the amount of grog (Do Americans have that word for alcohol?) supplied.
I still find it hard to believe that 60 people can drink in a few short hours four cases of scotch, 10 cases of wine,countless mixed drinks and amazing amounts of beer.
The result my mother and her two sisters had fights with their respective partners.
The three (remember Irish) sitters caught a cab home.
In the cap they had a furious fight and didn't speak to each other for two years after our wedding.
Some years later (when I had finished paying the wedding grog bill)
I asked my mother what the terrible argument was about that had caused so much angst.
The argument apparently was about my Grandmother, their mother, who had died when I was four years old. You need to follow the next bit closely
The argument was about weather my grandmother WAS or WAS NOT a "Blessed Saint In Heaven"
I was gobsmaked, especially as all were lapsed catholics.
I swear this is a true story.

So racoon, this is my agony tale. Perhaps we need another "Agony" forum or perhaps an "Irish Jokes are True" forum.

I know that when I die there WILL be one less drunk.

[Michaelangelica]

In repayment for my solecism above I humbly offer the following:-

What is the difference between your Wife, your Mistress and your Lover?

Your Mistress goes-
" O . .yes. .more . . oooh. .o. yes. . Yes.

Your Lover goes:
"OH! MORE again OH YES. . YES . .MORE.. . OH YES!.

You Wife goes:
beige.. .
Yes. . . beige. . .
I think we'll paint the ceiling beige.
--
Michael

[Pyrotex]

Do you know why so many teenaged blondes have square boobs?

Because nobody told them that you have to take the Kleenex OUT of the box first.

[InfiniteNow]

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence.


Why was the blonde found staring at the orange juice container?

Because it said concentrate.


What do you call ten 19 year old fit blondes standing naked in a sex den beckening you toward them?

My fantasy. (no, really, that wasn't a joke. )

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by InfiniteNow

...What do you call ten 19 year old fit blondes standing naked in a sex den beckening you toward them?

I call it almost enough.

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by orbsycli

so a guy walks into a bar...

OOOMPH, Ow!!