Quality Jokes and Humor

[ronthepon]

There were three scientists doing research on the banks of the amazon river.

The physics guy tries to check the density of the water, jumps in.

He does'nt come back.

The other physisist jumps in to search for his mate.

Even he never comes back

The third writes in his notebook:

'both are soluble in water.'

PS: Yeah, even I know that I can't joke for a joke...

[Michaelangelica]

Eve's conversation with God:



"Lord, I have a small problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be
vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,
faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a
way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and
will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think
properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but
what's the catch Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring . so you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be
our little secret ... you know, woman to woman.

[Michaelangelica]

WOMAN'S DIARY:


Saturday October 8th, 2005.

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.


------------------------------------------------------------



MAN'S DIARY:



Saturday 8th October, 2005.



Liverpool lost to Chelsea. Gutted.
Got a shag though.

____________________________________

[sun]

Those are both very boring people.

Sun's diary:

All the ups and downs this side of the galaxy has to offer.

[Michaelangelica]

A final footnote on gay marriage
http://www.abc.net.au/sydney/stories/s1665116.htm

[jamongo]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She
paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."*

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by jamongo

*

The best
LOL, LOL LOL, Very funny
Thanks

[jamongo]

"Quality", ladies and gentlemen, "quality".

A man was in a terrible accident and was wrapped in bandages with tubes in his arms and mouth.
A pretty young nurse's aid was sponging his face when he said,
"Are my testicles black?"
This, of course, embarrassed her greatly and she chose to ignore him.
He said again,
"Are my testicles black?"
Well, the young nurse backed away from the bed with a stunned look, just as the grizzily old 230 pound head nurse walked by. Seeing something amiss, she entered the room and roared out,
"What's wrong in here?"
The man said,
"Are my testicles black?"
The head nurse, without a moment's hesitation, pulled off the covers, lifted up his gown, spread his legs and carefully checked his privates.
Before she could say anything, the man then ripped the tubes out of his mouth, pulled the bandages off hie face, and yelled,
"Are my test results back?"

[jamongo]

Woman walks into pharmacy and asks for some cyanide. Pharmacist asks her why. She says she is going to poison her husband because he is cheating on her. Pharmacist says, "I can't do that lady. We will both go to jail." She pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife . He takes the picture, studies it for a minute then looks at her and say, " Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription."

[Michaelangelica]

Subject: The French woman just sniffed

The train was crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I please have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am, I'm very tired... may I sit down?"

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also incredibly arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Do something to put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road - and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."