Quality Jokes and Humor

[ronthepon]

[paigetheoracle]

Never mind the quality - read the filth!

What do you say if a gunman bursts into your house - shoots your mother, shoots your father and then shoots you?
'Ma! Pa! Ouch!'

What do you say if a gunman bursts into your house and shoots your mother, your father then ET?
'Ma! Pa! Ouch!'

'Why are you shooting at my feet Marshall?'
'I like to see scum dancing'

I love Groundhog Day - I could watch it again and again, and again...

What do most people not like seeing on their toast?
Middle age spread

Frankenstein is a man after my own heart!

Life is like Frankensteins Monster chasing the Wolfman - it's just one damned thing after another

So Mr Michelinman you're leaving after all this time? Well I hope you have a Goodyear when you retyre

Message from the reindeers 'Don't feed the driver because Santa Claws'

A father and son are arguing
'I fought two world wars for you, you ungrateful sod!'
'Yeh, and you lost them both'

Women have a soft spot for men - it's between their legs.
Men have a soft spot for women - it's between their ears.

The Dave Series

'When I said give Jimmy Johnson both barrels Dave, I meant of the beer he'd ordered'

'When I said deck the halls Dave, I meant decorate the place, not beat the shit out of Phil and Jane'

'What have I told you about smoking fish Dave? Not while at work, now stub it out and do what I pay you for.'

Films that never got made

'I Spit on your Gravy!' - A sordid tale of a chefs revenge

'Dead on a Rival' - Husband having heartattack when he catches his wife with her lover

'Dracula, prints of Darkness' - More holiday snaps ruined by incompetent developers

'A Womb with a View' - A Gynaecologist on a busmans holiday

'What's Doug got to do with it?' - Fight between Ike and Tina Turner

'Planet of the Grapes' - Follow up to 'Attack of the Tomato Men'

'And then there were some' - The cowardly remake of an Agatha Christie film by a squeamish director

'Whoops Apocalypso!'/'Apocalypso now' - Jamaican remakes of more famous films

Names

Just because my name is Matt, doesn't mean you can walk all over me

Just because my name is Stew, doesn't mean I'm going to let you bite my dumplings

Just because my name's Eve, doesn't mean I was born yesterday

Just because my name's David, doesn't mean I've got Goliath in my trousers

A hand is better than a woman
because it never gets a headache
never threatens to go back to its mother
never gets a period
never gets pregnant
never gives you the clap
never sues you for alimony
never berates your performance
never expects flowers or chocolates
never cares that you go out drinking with your mates
never locks you out after an argument
never wants to move to Sacremento
etc

A hand is better than a man
because it doesn't go to sleep afterwards
and will make you a cup of tea
doesn't slobber all over you when drunk
doesn't sleep with another woman then lie about it
doesn't give you the clap
doesn't go in the other room when you start crying about the death of Bambi
doesn't ignore all your friends, except the ones he wants to sleep with
doesn't wake you in the middle of the night for it, when you've got to go to work in the morning
doesn't smell like an open sewer
etc.

Ditties

Men stink, drink and think
Women scheme, scream and dream

Robin Hood, Robin Hood Robin Hood,Robin Hood
Riding through the glen Riding through the glen
Robin Hood, Robin Hood Robin Hood, Robin Hood
pursued by his men With his band of men
- he stole all their money Feared by the good
and they didn't find it funny! Loved by the bad!
Robbing Hood, Robbing Hood Robin's Mad, Robin's mad
Robbing Hood... Robin's mad......

Roses are red Roses are red
Violets are blue Violets are blue
Mine are Green Mine are pink
Because they fell in the stew Are yours too?

Roses are red
Violence is blue
If you don't shut up
I'm going to strangle you!

That's Al Fawks! (Brother of a well known political figure, who wouldn't stand for Parliament)

[Boerseun]

An old man of 93 was told by his doctor that sex with his 19-year old fiancee could be fatal.

"Bugger that," he said. "If she dies, she dies."

[Michaelangelica]

the results of the Bulwer-Lytton worst-first-sentence-ever contest are in!
Check out this site
http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm

a sample
Winner: Vile Puns
As Johann looked out across the verdant Iowa River valley, and beyond to the low hills capped by the massive refrigerator manufacturing plant, he reminisced on the history of the great enterprise from its early days, when he and three other young men, all of differing backgrounds, had only their dream of bringing refrigeration to America's heartland to sustain them, to the present day, where they had become the Midwest's foremost group of refrigerator magnates.

Dick Davis
Circle Pines, MN

Runner-Up:
Herr Professor Doktor Weiss' reputation was made when he conclusively proved the fraudulency of the Mayan codex that claimed to show that that ancient people knew the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter to an exactitude unknown until modern times, in his article, "Bye, Bye, Mesoamerican Pi."

John L. Drost
Barboursville, WV.

[TheFaithfulStone]

Life is like Frankensteins Monster chasing the Wolfman - it's just one damned thing after another

Life is not one damned thing after another, it's one damned thing over and over.

With apologies to Edna St. Vincent-Millay.

TFS

[paigetheoracle]

Originally Posted by TheFaithfulStone

Life is not one damned thing after another, it's one damned thing over and over.

With apologies to Edna St. Vincent-Millay.

TFS

Okay have it your own way - life at Bugger King! (Uh, huh oh yeh, I'm all shook up!)

[Janus]

A truck driver, thinking he had enough height clearance, gets his truck stuck under a bridge. He tries everything to get free; he tries rocking the truck back and forth, he lowers the pressure in his tire, he asks for help from the people in the cars stacking up behind him. No go, he's stuck fast.
After a bit, a state trooper pulls up to the end of the line stacked up behind the truck. He leans out, looks at the pile up stretching ahead of him, and finally pulls onto the shoulder drives up to where the truck is stuck. He get out of his car and saunters up to the truck. He slowly walks around the truck, making a careful inspection. He then walks up to the driver, and after a final look at the truck and the line of cars still piling up behind it, asks the driver, "Well, you're stuck then?

To which the driver responds, " Not at all. I was just delivering this bridge and I lost the damn directions!"


The day of his execution having arrived, a guard shows up to take a prisoner to his hanging. The prisoner points out his cell window, where outside, it is raining buckets and the wind is howling, and says, "You know, if you're going to hang me, the least you could have done was have picked better weather to do it in!"
To which the guard responds, "What are you complaining about? I have to walk back!"


A young gentleman, trying to impress his date, takes her to a fancy dining establishment. After a fantastic dinner of fine food and pleasant conversation, he orders some after dinner brandy. At which point, his date puts her hand on his arm and says,
" Oh, do think we could order sherry instead? I just adore sherry. It makes me think of lazy summer afternoons, with a warm sun shining down and a light breeze wafting in the scent of wild flowers blooming in the fields as they sway, and the sound of meadow larks singing lightly in the background. It just leaves me feeling so warm and fuzzy inside.

"Brandy, on the other hand, makes me fart."

[hallenrm]

Someone was asked," how old are you?"

"Three years older than my brother'

"How do you know that?"

'Last year I heard my brother telling someone that I was two years older than him. By deductive logic it follows that I am three years older than him now.
Do you know? I shall soon be old enough to be his father'

[infamous]

Has it ever occured to you that when one puts the two words THE and IRS together, it spells THEIRS .......................go figure.....................Infy

[hallenrm]

A logician and a scientist met a spiritualist and wrangled with him as they walked along the road. The scientist said: ' I cannot accept anything as existing unless I carry out a test, or uless I see it myself'. the logician said : ' I do not attempt anything, unless I have worked out its theory beforehand'.

As they approached the bank of aake, suddenly the spiritualist knelt down and started pouring something into the lake.

'What are you doing?' asked his companions.

'you know how yogurt multiplies when you put it in milk, well I am just adding a little yogurt to this water'

'But you can't make yogurt that way'

' I know, i know... but just supposing it takes!'