Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Now here is something to ponder...........


Do you think I'll live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh
no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecue?" I said, "No,
my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

[Mercedes Benzene]

Please excuse the fact that this is not a joke.
It is however, what I would call "quality humor".
You have to believe me when I say this: When I was a little kid, this was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life!! I could watch it 100 times and would bring myself to tears from laughing.
It is a clip from the Disney feature "The Three Caballeros".
I found this clip on youtube.
Here it is! ENJOY!

YouTube - The Three Caballeros - Aracuan

[infamous]

A young man walks into this business establishment looking for a job. At his interview, he asks, "how much will I get paid". To this question the owner answers, "as much as you,re worth". To this response he says, "I just quite a job that paid me more than that".....................Infy

[jamongo]

" Got any nude pictures of your wife?'
..
"Good lord, no!"
..
"Wanna' buy some?"

[Jay-qu]

Originally Posted by jamongo

" Got any nude pictures of your wife?'
..
"Good lord, no!"
..
"Wanna' buy some?"

good joke but my dad used to say it with grandmother in place of wife..

[Boerseun]

Here's a funny thing to ask someone! (One of those 'entrapment' questions with no possible easy answer...)

Walk up to your friend and ask him:
"Ever been caught wanking in the kitchen?"
Your friend's gonna look at you all funny and say:
"Hell no!"
Then you just give him one of those knowing looks and say:
"Safe place, ain't it?"

[jamongo]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said,
"Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician
rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the
body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician
rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say,

"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

[Mercury]

It may not be "quality" enough. I just want to share.

Whenever you hear any of your friends near you exclaims "Oh my god!" turn to him or her and answer: "You caling me?" and see the reaction on their faces.

[Michaelangelica]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by Mercury

It may not be "quality" enough. I just want to share.

Whenever you hear any of your friends near you exclaims "Oh my god!" turn to him or her and answer: "You caling me?" and see the reaction on their faces.

Reminds me of the story about the Psychiatrist doing his rounds in the mental Hospital.
He says to the guy in the first bed
"Who are you"
I'm Napoleon" came the reply.
"Who told you that?" said the psychiatrist
"God did" came the reply
Then an angry
"I DID NOT" came from the next bed.