Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

I didn't post this Mum
Honest

GIUSEPPE, THE ITALIAN LOVER

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Giuseppe was relaxing
At his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
Blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back
To his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
Where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Giuseppe reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
She thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex
Finally ends and, again, Giuseppe smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again,
After a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and
Softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Giuseppe reaches for the woman yet, again. Using the last of his
Strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking,
Clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Giuseppe falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
Turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again,
"You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,

"No, I Norwegian!!!!!"

[chrissy]

Just heard this today, new twist on old subject:

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."

Hee..Hee!

[HappytheStripper]

I received these in an email yesterday .. and no.. its not spam .. have a look.. I loved them so much I thought to share them with you..









Ashley

[Michaelangelica]

Americans and others can change the protagonist in this story I
I am sure you all have people that fit the bill


A man goes up to heaven and is greeted warmly by St. Peter at The Pearly Gates.
Peter welcomes the newcomer and they sart a friendly chat.
"Why don't I show you around heaven?" peter says.
The newcomer welcomes the help.
As he wanders around heaven he is surprised by the number of clocks.
Wherever he goes there are more and more clocks.
The newcomer to heaven puzzled, asks Pete about the clocks
"O" says peter, "Each clock represents a person on earth and every time someone lies the minute hand moves !`"
"Look here is Mother Teresa's the hands have never moved; and here is Nelson Mandella's the hand has only moved once." says St. Peter
The newcomer delighted, spends the rest of the day looking at all his living friends and relations.
Catching up with peter after a fun day he says "Great Pete, but I couldn't find Australian Prime Minister John Howard's clock anywhere."
"O sorry" says Peter,
"God's office gets very stuffy and he uses it as a ceiling fan!"


Prime Minister Howard is known as "Bonsai" as he is a "Little Bush"

[Monomer]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

[Pyrotex]

A man hears that a new topless nightclub has been built just a few blocks from his house. On impulse, he decides to pay it a visit. He gets him a beer and a table and watches the dancing for a while. Then a gorgeous redhead asks to sit at his table and they strike up a conversation. Her dress is hardly more than a negligee and she has a magnificent body. She bends over real close and whispers, give me a hundred dollars, and I'll do anything you want... no matter what it is... I'll do anything your heart desires... and I guarantee you'll love it... I'm a professional.

The man takes a thoughtful swig of beer. Nods his head. Gets out his wallet, and takes out five 20's. He slides them toward the woman and says, "okay, paint my house."

[Pyrotex]

For those of you that do not enjoy "flame" humor, you had best skip this one.

What follows is widely recognized as the flame to end all flames. For those who do not know, a "flame" is a post that basically insults another poster. Such are NOT allowed in Hypography, so do NOT try this at home boys and girls. Back in the days of USENET, flaming was raised to a high art form, and "flame wars" could be seen raging for days or weeks in USENET sites involved with sensitive subjects such as politics, religion and whether the PC or the Mac was a superior computer.

Having said all that--and if your stomach can handle it--I present:

<The Flame to End All Flames>
by Guy Macon (Used with permission)

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit…. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? …You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of pus. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of mildewed wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go….

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid.

You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know.

I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners…. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
</The Flame to End All Flames>

[Boerseun]

D'ya think you'll see her for breakfast, though...?

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by Boerseun

D'ya think you'll see her for breakfast, though...?

It all depends on whether or not I can slip my arm out from under her head without waking her up...

[freeztar]

Stevie Wonder was playing a sold out concert in China. After finishing a song, he asked the crowd to pick a song for him to play. At once, a man in the front row yelled out "Play a jazz chord". So Stevie went into a jazz jam and it was phenomenal and the crowd went wild. After finishing he asked for another request. The same man yelled out "Play a jazz chord". So Stevie, a little perturbed at this point went into a massive jazz jam and the whole band gave it their all for 20 minutes straight. After the cheering had died down, Stevie heard the man chanting again "Play a jazz chord, Play a jazz chord". At the end of his patience, Stevie asked the man if he could come on stage and do better. So the man jumped on stage and started singing "A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you".