Quality Jokes and Humor

[Thunderbird]

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.
The actor says “I can't, you know what happened the last few times. I will forget my lines and begin cursing and make a complete fool of myself.”
The agent consoles him “ Nonsense, don’t let fear of past mistakes rule your life, give it a chance man, I have faith in you.”

“Ok” says the actor, “ what is it?"
"Well," says his agent, "it's a one-liner."
" okay!" replies the actor, "I'll give it another shot. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I do it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so excited he got the job, that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'."
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar?' You're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So, he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'."
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? You're late, sit down here." Then, she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."
So, he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'."
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? Get on there, the curtains about to go up!" So, he runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and the house is full.
Suddenly, there is an almighty BOOM behind him, and the actor turns and says, "What the fuck was that!!!?"

[paigetheoracle]

A man goes into an Indian restaurant and orders a meal. The waiter comes up with his curry and pours it all over him, then blames the man 'If you weren't here it wouldn't have happened, would it?'
The man explodes!
'I see, you can't keep a Sybil tongue in your head can you?'
Bet you can't guess what the curry was?
Of course it was a Basil Balti!

What's the difference between a member of the Goons and an overused brush, for getting rid of unwanted pests?
One is a hairy flea combe and the other is Harry Secombe

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by paigetheoracle

A...Bet you can't guess what the curry was?
Of course it was a Basil Balti!...

[the faint sound of crickets and nothing else]

[Jay-qu]

Originally Posted by Pyrotex

[the faint sound of crickets and nothing else]

good, Im not the only one hearing the crickets..

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by Jay-qu

good, Im not the only one hearing the crickets..

Aaaarrgggghhhhh!! I think I suspect a culture clash here, matey!!

This reminds me very little of the time when I was lead engineer (here in Houston, TX) over a talented bunch of programmers in India. We had to write a website with an embedded Timecard system. This would enable field engineers out on the road to enter their hours for the day, charge numbers, and so forth. I wrote the design document, database structure, and Users Guide. All were sent to Bangalore, India, as email attachments, and work began.

Six weeks later, the first prototype website was up and running! {duecedly clever chaps, those Bangalorians!} The website was exactly as I designed it. Except when I got to the page with the Timecard. It didn't look right. It would only let me put one charge number in--and hours for one day. Bizarro!!

So, I sent off a rather huffy email to the chief programmer, asking how the hell he could produce such an incompetent and stupid piece of programming?

He responded, "I am so sorry. We all are so sorry. We beg your forgiveness. But we must ask you a question. What exactly is a 'Timecard'? What is it used for?"

[Boerseun]

This is why you shouldn't swallow bubblegum...

[REASON]

Originally Posted by Boerseun

This is why you shouldn't swallow bubblegum...

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by Boerseun

This is why you shouldn't swallow bubblegum...

O Yes VERY QUALITY
LOL

I came here to post this pic but you have completely upstaged me!
I just thought it was fun (without bubblegum)

[REASON]

Conversation with Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to talk with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.

[Michaelangelica]

LOL
12+ mill illegals in USA?-over half the OZ population
. . . .
The attached is the latest information from Mozambique authorities for anyone considering trips into their bush reserves.