Quality Jokes and Humor

[Boerseun]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Sri Lankan
Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said “Give me Liberty , or give me Death”?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had
his hand up:
“Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.
“Very good!”
Who said ” A Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
“Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “**** the Indians,”
“Who said that?” she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
“General Custer, 1862.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said
that?”
Again, Chandrasekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts
to the teacher , “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little sh!t. If
you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ” Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher
on the floor, someone said, “Oh sh!t, we’re f#cked!”
And Chandrasekhar said quietly,
Robert Mugabe to his cabinet at the declaration of the presidential election results-April 2008.

[DougF]

Good one! Boerseun

[DougF]

Bubba's Got Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba w hat he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[DougF]

Cannibal Grill

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon
A restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a
Price difference for the Politician?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so
Full of crap, it takes all morning.'

[alexander]

more of a stand up joke to a fairly specific audience (typically those "Do you believe in Jesus Christ as your savior?" people)

The reason I didn't like the Bible because it was such a typical Hollywood flick... I mean you have the main character out saving the world, who strikes a beef with the Jews. Jews decide hang around Jerusalem. Jesus, the only white guy in the Arabic neighborhood, gets killed, some dude shanks him with a spear, and then, as if that wasn't typical enough, in the next chapter, he comes back; more dangerous then ever...

[Boerseun]

At the mall, me and a few mates saw a handicapped old guy park in a normal parking bay the other day. And we jumped him and beat seven sorts of shit out of him. I mean, hey, man - rules are rules.

[Boerseun]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he
turned to the Rabbi and said:
'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?'

'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.

'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of
holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick.'

[Boerseun]

"Did the doctor give you your test results?"

"Yes. It seems as if all those years of phone sex have finally caught up to me. I've hearing AIDS."

[alexander]

You guys have probably heard this one:

So I went to my doctor's office for an AIDS test; my doctor told me to think positive...

[Pyrotex]

So, how many French soldiers does it take to defend the city of Paris?



Nobody knows. It's never been tried.