Quality Jokes and Humor

[DougF]

Pyrotex
So, how many French soldiers does it take to defend the city of Paris?

OK! I may be sorry I asked but how many does it take?



The Case of the Smoked Cigar

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson.

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

[Moontanman]

Why are huge trees planted all along the main streets of Paris? Because the Germans like to march in the shade!

Ohh, I didn't really mean it

[Michaelangelica]

I don't like the French Jokes.
I think they are racist and cruel
But then I'm Irish.

[Moontanman]

Originally Posted by Michaelangelica

I don't like the French Jokes.
I think they are racist and cruel
But then I'm Irish.

Well it was a right wing conservative republican joke. I thought I'd get it in before I have to start telling left wing liberal democratic jokes

When I was younger I was in love with France, the culture and especially the language, girls did so love to be told to do nasty things in French It was amazing what I could away with by simply saying it in French, even the translation was accepted better when it was first asked in French. Oh yes, French, don't date young girls without it

[Boerseun]

How Business Works - Cow-style...

A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You make biltong…

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime’ and steal someone else’s cows and shoot the owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
A farmer has two cows.
You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You pray to them for food.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute…

[DougF]

Boerseun
How Business Works - Cow-style...

[Moontanman]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called S*x Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

[Michaelangelica]

Some people do not relate to signs/'international' symbols at all.
It is made harder when they become more and more esoteric
Is there an U.N. Authority to supervise their proliferation?
EG You best response to this might be??



"Caution: Sitting down may cause your erection to announce its presence."
Audible Penis

[DougF]

Subject: A Bad Day at Work


If you don't laugh out loud after you read
this you are in a coma!

This is even funnier when you realize it's
real! Next time you have a bad day at work,
think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global
Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is
an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM
dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring
a worst job experience contest. Needless to say,
she won.

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling
brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office
I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first
must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool, so what
we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats
it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it
down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
working, is take the hose and stuff it down the
back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit
with warm water It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well, until all of a sudden,
my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched
it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the
damage was done. In agony, I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back,
the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However,
the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When
I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack
of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma
over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he, along with
five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing
nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out
of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of
cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber The cream put
the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two
days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think about how much worse it would be if you
had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat
to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job,
I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself:
Is this a jellyfish bad day?

[Moontanman]

My computer Problem


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.



As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'



'No,' I replied.



'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like Eric