Quality Jokes and Humor

Dark Mind · 07-26-2005

I still think you would be gay, mainly because at one time you were the same sex as your clone, the fact that you had a sex change would only alter your physical appearance... Not your physical being.

The fact that you got a sex change would not change the fact that you are homosexual, it would only mean that you are trying to make it (sex) more enjoyable to either yoursellf or others you fornicate with

.

ren · 07-27-2005

math joke, sort of... it's kind of corny but...

how would you translate this into words?

highlight:
for all upside down E's, there exists an upside down A.

goku · 11-16-2005

a teacher was reading chcken little to her second grade class one day.
she came to the part where chicken little runs up to the farmer and says "the sky is falling"
she asked her class, does anyone know what the farmer said?
jimmy raised his hand and answered, the farmer probably said holy shit there's a talkin chicken!

infamous · 01-25-2006

While interviewing an anonymous U.S. Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuter's News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil"

Boerseun · 01-26-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by infamous

While interviewing an anonymous U.S. Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuter's News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil"

How do you prevent Osama from drowning?

You take your boot off his neck.

saidevo · 01-26-2006

I have a good collection of quality humour. I shall post them in instalments here under three heads: jokes, episodes and bites!

I am reminded of our English professor of my college days, whose words on the definition of humour still echo in my mind:
Humour is the quick perception of lack of proportion and kind expression of it.

Say "Cheese!" or "Ha, Ha!": Jokes
---------------------------------
"You know the difference between a priest and a donkey?" asked the lawyer.
"What's that?", said the priest.
"The priest prays, the donkey brays."
"Well", said the priest calmly, "you know the difference between a lawyer and a donkey?"
"No", said the lawyer.
"There's no difference."
-----

The greatest trial of patience is a stammering barrister examining a stuttering witness in the presence of a deaf judge.
-----

Snakeskins make the best shoes.
And banana skins make the best slippers.
-----

Say "Cheese!" or "Ha, Ha!": Episodes
------------------------------------
Michael DeBakey
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Say "Cheese!" or "Ha, Ha!": Bites
---------------------------------
Birds and Animals

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to get to the other side of the road.
Why did it cross back?
It was a double crosser.
-----

Why did the chicken cross the road at 11:00 pm?
It was working overtime.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
The chicken was off duty.
-----

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
-----

See you later,
saidevo

saidevo · 02-01-2006

-----------------------------
Jokes, Episodes and Bites - 02
-----------------------------
Jokes:
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Sign at a cobbler's shop:
We doctor your shoes, heel them, attend their dyeing and save their soles.

"I'm sorry to hear that your factory was burnt down. What do you manufacture?"
"Fire-extinguishers."

Once upon a time, there lived a farmer who owned a big hayfield. The farmer's son decided he would go to the city to earn his living, so one day he packed all his bags and left home. But when he got to the city, the best he could do was a job as a bootblack at the railroad station...
...Now the father makes hay while the son shines.

Visitor to art exhibit: "Why did they hang this picture?"
"Must be because they couldn't find the artist!"

Convict no.600: "It took me nearly two years to complete this book."
Convict no.610: "Oh, that's nothing. It took me five years to complete a sentence."

Episodes:
--------
Washington Brain
A very rich old man was on his deathbed in a hospital. His doctor told him that there was only one thing that could save him: a brain transplant, which was still highly experimental and very expensive.

The old man said that cost was no object and asked the doctor if there were any brains available. The doctor replied that three brains were currently available. The first brain was from a college professor and it cost $10,000.

The patient said that was no problem, but asked about the others. The doctor told him the second one was from a rocket scientist and the cost for it would be $100,000.

The old man said that still it wasn't a problem and figured that he'd just be that much smarter. He then asked the doctor about the last available brain.

The doctor told him it was from a Washington bureaucrat and that the cost for that brain was a half a million dollars. The patient was shocked. He asked the doctor why that brain was so much more expensive.

The medical professional explained, "It's never been used."

Bites:
-----
Broken English Chat: India
--------------------------
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in!

Why are you not filupping the blanks?"

Don't talk like that in front of my back.

Don't stand in front of my back.

Repeat that again please!

Lecturer: Boys, please keep quiet. The principal is revolving outside.

Lecturer (seeing the principal pass by the door): Less noise! The principal just passed away.

Definitions
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A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never her age.

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

A committee is a group of people who can do nothing individually, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

A camel is a horse defined by a committee.

A jury is a group of people chosen to decide which party has the best lawyer.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

See you later,
saidevo

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saidevo · 02-08-2006

Jokes, Episodes, Bites - 03

Jokes:
-----
What part of the car causes the most accidents?
The nut that holds the wheel.
---

"If you reject me, darling", said the boy, "I'll put a rope around my neck and hang myself there on the tree opposite your bedroom."

"Please don't do that", said the girl, "Father objects to your hanging around here."
---

"How did the explosion occur?", exclaimed an expert witness in court.
"The reason's clear. The engineer was full and the boiler was empty."
---

One friend: "How did you become so successful all of a sudden?"
Other friend: "Through a strong will."
"What do you mean by a strong will?"
"A will which left me eighty thousand pounds."
---

Mistress: "And, above all, I want obedience and truthfulness."

New maid: "Yes, madam. But, if anybody calls when you are in and you want me to say you are out, which comes first: obedience or truthfulness?"
---

Episodes:
--------
Human Life

God created the donkey and told him: "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey."

The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years." God granted his wish.

God created the dog and told him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog."

The dog answered: "Sir, to live 25 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and told him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years."

The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

Finally God created man and told him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."

Man responded: "Sir, I will be man but to live only 20 years is very little. Give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want, and the 10 years the monkey refused."

God granted man's wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grand children.

Bites:
-----
Broken English Chat: India

Professor to students hanging around the corridors during an examination: "Don't rotate the verandah in front of the examination hall."

Instructor: Take a copper wire of any metal... and pour a liquid solution of sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape...

Lecturer (angry with a boy): Get out of the class!
The boy sulks, continues standing.
Lecturer: If you don't get out, I'll ask the principal to get out!

Heard in the kitchen: "No, no I don't need a chair. I can stand eating."

A gardener scolding three kids : Both of u three, don't under-stand the tree!
"Apply apply, No reply" (comment of a frustrated job seeker).

Definitions
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.
A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Ulcers: Something you get not from what you eat, but from what is eating you.

See you later,
saidevo