Quality Jokes and Humor

[Jet2]

Originally Posted by Michaelangelica

The survey

Last month the UN conducted a worldwide survey with one question:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

In the US they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.

Does it mean the UN knows everything???

[Moontanman]

How to Make a Man Happy

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by Moontanman

How to Make a Man Happy

Careful there, dude! When I clicked on the link, my corporate system flashed the Blue Screen of Forbidden Access at me. Scary.

[Moontanman]

Originally Posted by Pyrotex

Careful there, dude! When I clicked on the link, my corporate system flashed the Blue Screen of Forbidden Access at me. Scary.

Nothing bad in there that I am aware of, a joke, not even any bad words, could be other things on that site I guess

[paigetheoracle]

Originally Posted by Pyrotex

Jeezus Aitch Cryst, InfiNow,

you've blown my cover! Now wattamy gonna do with all these copies of Newton's Principia????????????

Psst! I'll buy a copy, just put it in this brown bag.
Gotcha! Religious thought police, you're under arrest for trafficking in beliefs against the moral code!

[paigetheoracle]

Be kind to me it's "I'm not really sure who I am" week

You can't make a sows ear out of a silk purse without breaking eggs

Do vampire artists like drawing blood?

You can't rely on Frankensteins monster for anything! In a crisis it either goes to pieces or loses its head!

[InfiniteNow]

YouTube - Sumsing Turbo 3000 English Version

[Moontanman]

Husband and wife are shopping in Walmart when the man picks up a case of beer and puts in into the shopping buggy.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on special, only $30 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping buggy.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF beer AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

[InfiniteNow]

I must admit, your jokes tend to be funnier than mine, Moontanman. Good on ya, mate.



"Guy walks into a bar... says, "ouch."

[Michaelangelica]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on:

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like Construction Workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on."

"There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."



It seems that politicians are viewed the same way the world over??

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear the one about …


A 2UE listener supplied the following joke to celebrate the Pope's visit. I have cleaned it up a little for inclusion in this family newspaper:

A man goes to confession and tells his priest that he has sinned but that he would like, one day, to go to heaven. What should he do to get there ?

The priest hears his confession and says to him: " My son, to get to heaven you should give up smoking, gambling, drinking and sex. Live a clean and godly life and surely you will join the angels."

The man takes this on board, goes away, and does his best. But on returning to the confessional the next week he has to admit that not all has gone well.

"Father, I gave up smoking, gambling and drinking. It was hard, but with the grace of God I did it," he said. "But I found I couldn't give up sex. The other day I saw my loving wife, her gorgeous body leaning over the freezer, and I had to make love to her there and then, right on the spot."

The priest was shocked. " My son, they won't like that at all in heaven," he said.

"I understand," said the man. "They weren't too crazy about it in Woolworths, either."

smhcarlton@gmail.com