Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

Nagging Wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

[Moontanman]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger?'

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse. 'The Chief
nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the
horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more
attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse, alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully for. . . the. . . last. . . f**king time,

I said. . . 'BRING POSSE!'

[Moontanman]

When you have an I Hate my Job day,
[Even if retired you sometimes have those days]




try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

[Moontanman]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

...and then the fight started.


************************************************** **************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'Yo u should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

...and then the fight started.

************************************************** *********


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

...and then the fight started.

************************************************** ************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

...and then the fight started.

[Pyrotex]

If the Space-Time Continuum is curved, then where do all the straight people come from?

[This is also a "stupid question"]

[freeztar]

Originally Posted by Pyrotex

If the Space-Time Continuum is curved, then where do all the straight people come from?

[This is also a "stupid question"]

There's no such thing as straight people, we're all geodesics.

[Michaelangelica]

This seems a very useful form to have around for those males in heterosexual relationships.
I wasn't sure what thread to put it in
It could save a lot of time.
A commercial printer, I think, would be cheaper to run them off rather than your Inkjet.


On the same theme

SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her travelling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."

That one from a very funny site
Weird stories and stuff
One for the road from the same site
How do you use tabs on hypo?

She Says. . . . . . English translation

• you want . . . . . .you want
• we need. . . . . . I want
• It's your decision. . . . . . The correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want. . . . . . You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk. . . . . . I need to complain
• Sure; go ahead. . . . . . I don't want you to
• I'm not upset . . . . . .Of course I'm upset, you moron.
• You're; so manly. . . . . . .You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• Be romantic, turn out the lights. . . . . . I have flabby thighs
• this kitchen is so inconvenient. . . . . . I want a new house
• I want new curtains. . . . . .and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper
• Hang the picture there. . . . . . No, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise. . . . . . .I noticed you were almost asleep
• Do you love me? . . . . . .I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me?. . . . . . I did something today you're not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute. . . . . . Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
• Am I fat?. . . . . . Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate. . . . . . Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me?! . . . . . .Too late, you're dead.
• Yes. . . . . .No.
• No. . . . . .No.
• Maybe . . . . . .No.
• I'm sorry.. . . . . .You'll be sorry
• Do you like this recipe?. . . . . . It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
• I'm not yelling!. . . . . . Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

[Michaelangelica]

A Canadian friend sent this to me years ago
i just came across it again
I still love it

[freeztar]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though> one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... ( applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either food, sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

[Thunderbird]

[quote=Michaelangelica;234652]A Canadian friend sent this to me years ago
i just came across it again
I still love it
/divert-your-course.png

The story is false one I'm afraid. It's an old joke that has been around since I was in the US Navy in the early 80's The version was between an American seaman maning the light house and an admiral on a on a battle ship. The US Navy has been navigating with satilite GPS since the 1970's. But it was a good joke.