[freeztar]

A senior citizen drove his brand new convertible car out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the convertible, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[freeztar]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided
to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much
will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would
need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're
finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I
even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[DougF]

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[Moontanman]

Once upon a time, in a land far far away

A beautiful self assured princess

happened on a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shore of a beautiful unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle

The frog jumped into the princess' lap and said "elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me and turned me into a frog

One kiss from you however will turn me back into the dapper prince I once was!

and then my sweet we can marry!

and set up house keeping in your castle

with my mother

where you can prepare my meals

clean my clothes, bear my children

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so"

That night,

As the princess dined sumptuously

on lightly sautéed frog legs

seasoned in white wine

and onion cream sauce

She chuckled and thought to herself

I don't f#@kin think so.....

[DougF]

When I hear this it just puts a smile on my face,
So I though I would share it with you.


The Scotsman Song
Moby in the Morning - Scotsman Song

I could of put this in the "What are you listening to right now?" thread but I thought this was a better place.

[7DSUSYstrings]

1.
I study chemistry quite a bit. In my studies (and practice as well) I've been involved with olefins, i.e. linoleum, margarine, etc., so progressively I had the fortune of studying some interesting things about the butter making industry. This led me to "Land-O-Lakes" technologies in the latest ChemTech bulletins. In the year 2000, they put into service the fastest, most efficient butter making machine in the last hundred years. Does anyone know what they called that machine?

2.
In Niles, Michigan, where I was born, there's Silverbrook Cemetery where I visit my parents' graves from time to time. Most of the stones have to be level with the gfround for mowing, but there are still quite a few mausoleums. One not to far from our family site has an apple tree that grew right out of the sepulcher, extending through the vents. The family forbade its removal, so it is a constant nuisance to the keepers as it drops apples constantly in the fall. Can you guess what they call the apples?


3.
What do you call a sporting event that intoxicates the average philistine, planting him in a chair from which he can't manage to get up?


4.
What do you call a sporting event that draws thousands upon thousands of monkeys that have no tail?


5.
If a fellow wants to marry the girl of his dreams in two places of the country at the exact same moment, what kind of wedding suit must he order from his tailor?


The above are original Dr. C anecedotes...

[7DSUSYstrings]

Answers:

A1:
The CHURN OF THE CENTURY. This was followed up in 2003 by Kroger who hired the same engineering firm to build a better even faster machine so they could make Cost Cutter cheaper. Their philosophy was that "One good churn desreves another."

A:2
Fruit of the tomb.

A:3
The Stuporbowl

A:4
The Brickheads 400

A:5
He orders a fluxedo.

[Michaelangelica]

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER
> > A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
> > him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
> > hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
> > plate glass window.
> > For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my
first day driving a cab....................
> > I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years'

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by DougF

When I hear this it just puts a smile on my face,
So I though I would share it with you.


The Scotsman Song
Moby in the Morning - Scotsman Song

I could of put this in the "What are you listening to right now?" thread but I thought this was a better place.

I loved it
Have spamed all my friends with it
m

[Moontanman]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the
stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands.


With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The
aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those you old fool," she yelled, "they're for the funeral!!!"