Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked...

"What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work"

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher" she replied

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well", she said, "I begin by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then I work my whole hand in. I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole" he asked?

"You give him a radar gun and put him behind a bridge"...

Traffic ticket, $95.00
Court costs, $45.00
Look on the cops face, priceless!

[Moontanman]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well.....you'll love this one!



My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.



Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.



Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?



Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.



This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, after he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .



'yes, yes i did. I'm a mustang! ' he gleamed with pride.



'when did you graduate?' i asked

he answered, in 1975. Why do you ask?



'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.



He looked at me closely.



Then that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat ass,

gray haired,

decrepit,

son of a bitch asked....



'what did you teach???

[DougF]

Har, Har Har, That reminds me of the time.
Oh wait that was last week.

[Michaelangelica]

Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Retrieved from "http://www.jestersring.ca/j/Bathtub_Test"
Category: Logic Jokes
Bathtub Test - Jester's Ring
for the Canadians among us
North American Creation

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
This joke was also featured at Patriotism Canada.
Retrieved from "http://www.jestersring.ca/j/North_American_Creation"

Categories: Canadian Jokes | God Jokes

[freeztar]

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/jan...eer_goggle.swf

[Michaelangelica]

In the same knuckle dragging vein a (the best) printed version of this story is in "The Fragrant Chilli" Kangaroo Press Australia.

I warned you the net will be all visual one day-no words at all!

Yanks please note the proper spelling of chilli
Here are some versions of the story from the net.
Killer Chilli

http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/chilijudge.htm

Judging a Texas Chilli Competition. - Horomundi Forums

[DougF]

(A friend sent this to me via e-mail and I thought I would share it. )

There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Prof. noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt.



The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government.



In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, "do you know how to catch wild pigs?"



The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.



Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.



The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America. The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of 'programs' such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc while we continually lose our freedoms - just a little at a time.



One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! Also, a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.



Also, if you see that all of this wonderful government 'help' is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America, you might want to tell this to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to our way of life then you will probably delete this, but God help you when the gate slams shut!!



In this 'very important' election year, listen closely to what the candidates are promising you - just maybe you will be able to tell who is about to slam the gate on America.



Think about this very carefully because:

'A government that is big enough to give you everything you want, is also big enough to take away everything you have.'

- Thomas Jefferson

[Thunderbird]

Hey Doug, the 50's called they want their political issue back.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv...lfare/work.htm

[Moontanman]

Originally Posted by Thunderbird

Hey Doug, the 50's called they want their political issue back.

Washingtonpost.com: Welfare Reform Report

Now that was funny!

[Moontanman]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.



We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a BIG f#*king red mark on his forehead.



Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond?!?