Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

Yeah and if the Tigers don't get you this thing will!

It Will Fucking Kill You. - random images - moonbuggy

[Moontanman]

Oh Oh Oh I know, if an amphibious tiger met up with a great white shark, which one would win?

[freeztar]

> HIS AND HER DIARIES!
>
> HER DIARY:
>
> Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
>
> We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
>
> I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset
> at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
>
> Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
> so we could talk.
> He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he
> said, 'Nothing .”
>
> I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
> upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
>
> On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
> kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
>
> I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
>
> When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely , as if he
> wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
> He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem
> distant and absent.
>
> Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed...
>
> About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded
> to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was
> distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
> He fell asleep...I cried. I don't know what to do.
> I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
>
> My life is a disaster.
>
>
>
> HIS DIARY:
>
> My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[Jay-qu]

Originally Posted by Pyrotex

Just when you thought it was
Safe to Go In the Water...

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r...TigerShark.jpg

This was at the Zoo here in Melbourne

[Moontanman]

10 Ways To Tell You Might Be A Redneck Hunter
You might be a redneck hunter if:

1. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

2. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

3. You've ever been involved in a custody battle over a blood-trailing dog.

4. You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.

5. You've ever had to turn your pickup around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

6. You consider "Cabela's 2008 Shooting & Reloading Catalog" deep reading.

7. You've ever cleaned pheasants in your living room.

8. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three coon dogs.

9. Your bicycle has a gun rack.

10. You actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by Moontanman

...10. You actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

Boston Fern.

[Spiked Blood]

When I was a kid my mother left to visit relatives for a week, leaving my father as the breadmaker as well as bread winner. Having the worlds worst cook as your 'sole breadmaker' is just recipe for disaster. To be fair my mother wasn't much of a cook herself.

Anyway, this one night, probably sick of having to fork out for takeaways, the old fellar thought he'd try his hand at cooking. God knows what it was he made, I don't know. I'm not sure he knew either.

I worked hard that night, sweat was pouring off me, after finally forcing it down, he asked me what I wanted for dessert..

I answered, "the antidote".

[alexander]

Figured I'd bring a bit of humor to every post, hope you enjoy the new signature

[freeztar]

From my fiancee via email:

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:

Dine her.

Wine her.

Call her.

Hold her.

Surprise her.

Compliment her.

Smile at her.

Listen to her.

Laugh with her.

Cry with her.

Romance her.

Encourage her.


Believe in her.

Pray with her.


Pray for her.

Cuddle with her.

Shop with her.

Give her jewelry.

Buy her flowers.

Hold her hand.

Write love letters to her.

Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked.


Bring chicken wings.


Don't block the TV.

[Moontanman]

SPECIAL INVITATION

You are cordially invited to the upcoming official pre-inauguration of
the George W. Bush Presidential Library which includes:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite
Republican Senators.

The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room: After you complete your first tour,
they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, it's still empty, but very warm.

The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board,
dice, coins, and straws.

There is also a Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, but no one has yet been able to find it.

Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free or 3 Euros; Democrats - $1000 or 3 Euros