Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY
CORRECT!!........and so timely!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd lik e to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind.. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises .

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity..'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted

[Pyrotex]

good one!!!!!

[Moontanman]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The dern judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

[Moontanman]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. In this Kileen neighborhood, most of Bubba's neighbors were Hispanic Roman Catholic of the "old school," and since it was Lent, they were discouraged from eating meat on Friday .

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a long neck bottle of Lone Star beer, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[Michaelangelica]

Investment tips for 2009
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year or early 2009 :

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[Moontanman]

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
> Clean skin.
> A winning smile.
> That unforgettable Southern drawl.
>
> Southern women know their manners:
> 'Yes, ma'am.'
> 'Yes, sir.'
> 'Why, no, Billy!'
>
> Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
> 'Y'all come back!'
> 'Well, bless your heart.'
> 'Drop by when you can.'
> 'How's your Momma?'
>
> Southern women know their summer weather report:
> Humidity
> Humidity
> Humidity
>
> Southern women know their vacation spots:
> The beach
> The rivuh
> The crick
>
> Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
> Colorful hi-heel sandals
> Strapless sun dresses
> Iced sweet tea with mint
>
> Southern women know everybody's first name:
> Honey
> Darlin'
> Shugah
>
> Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
> Fried Green Tomatoes
> Driving Miss Daisy
> Steel Magnolias
> Gone With The Wind
>
>
> Southern women know their country breakfasts:
> Red-eye gravy
> Grits
> Eggs
> Country ham
> Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
>
> Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
> Chawl'stn
> S'vanah
> Foat Wuth
> N'awlins
> Addlanna
>
> Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
> Men in uniform.
> Men in tuxedos
> Rhett Butler
>
> Southern girls know their prime real estate:
> The Mall
> The Country Club
> The Beauty Salon
>
> Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
> Having bad hair and nails
> Having bad manners
> Cooking bad food
>
> More Suthen-ism's:
> Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
> conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.
> _____
>
> Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
> peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'
> _____
>
> Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
> of 'yonder.'
> _____
>
> Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, as in: 'Going
> to town, be back directly.'
> _____
>
> Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for
> the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl
> in the middle of the table.
> _____
>
> All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use
> the term, but they know the concept well.
> _____
>
> Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
> for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
> big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
> crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
> _____
>
> Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near'
> and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road'
> can be 1 mile or 20
> _____
>
> Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between
> a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
> _____
>
> No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
> turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
> _____
>
> A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
> adverb.
> _____
>
> Only Southerners m ake friends while standing in lines, .. and when
> we're 'in line,' we talk to everybody!
> _____
>
> Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
> related, even if only by marriage.
> _____
>
> In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
> _____
>
> Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
> _____
>
> Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
> are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
> and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
> _____
>
> When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know
> you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
> _____
>
> Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea' and 'sweet milk.' Sweet tea
> indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
> unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk.
> _____
>
> And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
> ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,'Bless her heart'
> .. and go your own way.
> _____
>
> To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
> Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and
> call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
> _____
> And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
> this Southern stuff, .. bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
> have classes on Southernness as a second language!
> _____
>
> And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
> long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front por ch that
> reads 'I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'
>
> Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!
>
> Now....... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or
> wish they had been!
>
> If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it. We
> know you got here as fast as you could
>

[Moontanman]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
> She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't
> stop staring at her.
>
>
>
> She asks him why he is staring.
>
> He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you.'
>
> She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and
> have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
> about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I
> would find offensive.'
>
>
>
> 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
>
> She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
>
> #1, you have to be single and
>
> #2, you must be Catholic.'
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says,
>
> 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
>
>
>
> 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.
>
>
>
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
> 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
>
> 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm
> Jewish.'
>
>
>
> The nun says, 'That's OK.
>
>
>
> My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
>
>
>

[Michaelangelica]

Little girls fire truck

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter says with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner,' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right...but then I wouldn't have a siren.
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[Moontanman]

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind,
we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[William Honey]

"SEXUALLY ACTIVE"

This man Frank met a co worker Alice at work. Alice was very attractive so he decided to ask her out to dinner.

"Alice would you like to have dinner with me Friday night" ?

Alice said yes gave him directions to her home and told him to pick her up at seven
thirty.

Frank picked her up and headed to Red Lobster for fish dinner. On the way Frank
noticed that she was hugging the door and would not even look at him or speak.

After a few minutes of this cold treatment Frank decided to find out if the date was
going to be a drag.

Frank pulled the car over and told Alice I need to ask you a question, while Alice
remained cold.

Frank asked Alice "Are you sexually active" ?

Alice looked over at Frank and answered "No I just lay there"

William :