Quality Jokes and Humor

[saidevo]

Jokes, Episodes, Bites - 04


Jokes:

Mary: "I looked into his eyes and saw he was a teacher."
Joe: "How did you manage that?"
Mary: "I could see his pupils."
---

The maid picked up the phone and muttered something before slamming it down.
"Who was that, Marie? I'm expecting a trunk-call."
"Only some mad idiot, Mr. Wilson. He said it was a long distance from California. I told him we knew that."
---

Doctor: "That pain in your leg is caused by old age."
Patient: "Don't fool me! My other leg's of the same age."
---

At a fashionable London dinner party, Disraeli was once asked to distinguish between a misfortune and a calamity.
"Well", he is reported to have answered, "if Gladstone fell into Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that would be a calamity."
---

George Bernard Shaw, famous dramatist, was in his study, wrestling with his thoughts on the latest drama he was writing, when he overheard the conversation of the two servants outside his door.
"Is he busy?", asked one.
"No", was the reply, "only writing."

Episodes:

Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" said Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fool. Somebody has stolen our tent."
---

Bell boy
A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. The boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest decided to help him. He stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replied, "Now we run like Hell!"
---

Bites:
International:

You know the difference between an Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman?

Well, on leaving a train, an Irishman walks off without looking back to see if he has left anything behind. An Englishman looks back to see if he has left anything. A Scot looks back to see if anybody has left anything!
---

An American, an Indian and a Russian were talking. The Russian boasted that their marine technology was so advanced that they could go down to the bottommost of a sea.

"The bottommost!", wondered the Indian. "Well almost, may be a couple of inches higher", replied the Russian.

The American then boasted that their space technology was so advanced that they had literally touched the sky.

"The sky!", wondered the Indian. "Well almost, may be a couple of inches lower", replied the American.

The Indian said softly, "We in India eat with our noses." The other two guys were astonished. "Really?", they wondered.

"May be a couple of inches lower", replied the Indian.
---

Morons and Fools:

Define a moron.
A person who looks through the keyhole of a glass door.

How do you keep a moron busy?
Write 'please turn over' on both sides of a blank paper.

How do you make a moron laugh on Friday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

How do you confuse a moron?
Place him in a round room and ask him to sit in a corner.

A fool went to a movie. He bought a ticket and went in. He then came out and bought another ticket. He did this two more times. The ticket seller asked him why he was buying tickets repeatedly. He replied that the guy at the gate kept tearing the tickets.

Sixteen fools went to a movie. They bought tickets but came out without seeing the movie because on the top of the entrance was written "Under 18 not allowed".


See you later,
saidevo

[infamous]

Hey buddy, did you hear the one about Cheney bagging a lawyer bird??

[InfiniteNow]

lol.


The Vice president...

of the United states...

of america...

shot...

a 78 year old...


in the face...


No... seriously!!

[Boerseun]

Apparently, after news got out about Cheney shooting a lawyer, his popularity surged to 97%...

[infamous]

Originally Posted by Boerseun

Apparently, after news got out about Cheney shooting a lawyer, his popularity surged to 97%...

Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,.........there may be some good reason for the rumor Boerseun.................Infy

[Turtle]

Did you hear the one about the growth claims of HeightMax pills?

They came up short!

[Turtle]

Originally Posted by Turtle

Did you hear the one about the growth claims of HeightMax pills?

They came up short!

No, I didn't hear that. But I did hear that the guy taking Heigh Max is gonna change his name from Pewee to Shorty.

[Turtle]

Originally Posted by Turtle

Did you hear the one about the growth claims of HeightMax pills?

They came up short!

No, I didn't hear that. But I did hear that the guy taking Heigh Max is gonna change his name from Shorty to Pewee.

[infamous]

When a women tells you; "We need to talk", what she's really saying is; "I need to complain"..........................

[Boerseun]

The all-new generic version of Viagra just hit the streets!

It's trading under the name "Mycoxaflop"