Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers and then there are educators.

[Moontanman]

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs,
> they are immediately
> ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
>
> 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
>
> Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
>Rome ?'
>
> The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
> answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .
>
> In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
>
> Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
>
> Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
>Europe ?'
>
> The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
>Grumpy,
> there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .'
>
> This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
>
> Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
>
> Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
> anywhere in the world?'
>
>The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,
> there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
>
> The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
>floor,
> tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
>
>
> 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
> 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
>

[Moontanman]

The fishing trip?



Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage
to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible"'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

[Michaelangelica]

One Sunny Day In 2009

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Moontanman]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of
course!), gets dressed and goes out Into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[William Honey]

Originally Posted by Moontanman

The fishing trip?



Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage
to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible"'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

Excellent Mr. Moon....Loved it lol rofl

William : )))

[William Honey]

[quote=Michaelangelica;244399]One Sunny Day In 2009

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

Now thats funny Mich lol roflmao

William )))))

[Moontanman]

Wine, Beer, Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine ... and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -- bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, bourbon, or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[Michaelangelica]

OK You want Quality
How about Ancient Classical Greek!?

ATHENS (Reuters) – "I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it."

For those who believe the ancient Greeks thought of everything first, proof has been found in a 4th century AD joke book featuring an ancestor of Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch where a man returns a parrot to a shop, complaining it is dead.

The 1,600-year-old work entitled "Philogelos: The Laugh Addict," one of the world's oldest joke books, features a joke in which a man complains that a slave he has just bought has died, its publisher said Friday.

"By the gods," answers the slave's seller, "when he was with me, he never did any such thing!"

In a British comedy act Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch, first aired in 1969 and regularly voted one of the funniest ever, the pet-shop owner says the parrot, a "Norwegian Blue," is not dead, just "resting" or "pining for the fjords."

The English-language book will appeal to those who swear that the old jokes are the best ones. Many of its 265 gags will seem strikingly familiar, suggesting that sex, dimwits, nagging wives and flatulence have raised laughs for centuries.

FAR-FETCHED CLOAK

In many of the jokes, a slow-witted figure known as the "student dunce" is the butt of the jokes. In one, the student dunce goes to the city and a friend asks him to buy two 15-year-old slaves: No problem,' responds the dunce. If I don't find two 15-year-olds, I'll get one 30-year-old.'
. . .
For Bowen, much of the material seemed very familiar: "One or two of them are jokes I've seen in peoples' acts nowadays, slightly updated: they put in a motor car instead of a chariot."

More ancient jokes at
Ancient Greeks pre-empted Dead Parrot sketch - Yahoo! News

[Pyrotex]

I threatened my 40-year old wife that I might exchange her for a pair of 20-year olds.
However, she reminded me that I am not wired for 220.
Alas.