Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by Pyrotex

I threatened my 40-year old wife that I might exchange her for a pair of 20-year olds.
However, she reminded me that I am not wired for 220.
Alas.

LOL
where did you study Classical Greek? I'm impressed. You would need to be a deadly 240 here.

In the same vein as "One Sunny Day In 2009" many Ozzies I know were very amused by seeing a pollster on the news (before the election) knock on doors and ask people who they were going to vote for.
This was in some southern US state ( all the same to us-you have the deep south- we have the deep north=Queensland. It's the heat affects their brains)

Anyway back to the story,
Knock Knock.
A woman comes to the door.
Pollster asks "Who are you going to vote for for President?"
"Arr forgot, hold on; CHUCK WHO WE VOTI'N FOR FOR PRSDNT?
"THE NIGGER OF COURSE!" came the shouted reply.

We loved that! True story honest. It was on Fox and would Murdock lie?

[Moontanman]

Job Opening




A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and

sees a notice advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Somewhat
interested, he steps up to the counter. "Can you give me some more
details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.


The employment officer sorts through his files and replies, "Oh yes,

here it is. The job entails your getting the ladies ready to be
examined by the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their
underwear, carefully wash their private regions, apply shaving foam
and gently shave off the pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so
that they're ready for the gynecologist's exam. There's an annual
salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford,
Mississippi. That's about 620 miles due west of here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir. . . that's where the end of the line is."

[REASON]

Originally Posted by Moontanman

"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir. . . that's where the end of the line is."

[Michaelangelica]

Originally Posted by REASON

x 2
lol

[Michaelangelica]

Not a joke but something serious on the Nigger theme (Not a word used in Australia)
389 years ago… | WallStats.com The Art of Information

[Michaelangelica]

Didn't we have a knuckle-dragging thread on this?


http://xkcd.com/457/

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by Michaelangelica

Not a joke but something serious on the Nigger theme (Not a word used in Australia)
389 years ago… | WallStats.com The Art of Information

Outstanding!!! Cool!!! Far out!!! Dyn-o-mite!!!

Rat own, rat own, rat own, rat own!!!

Pyro

[Jet2]

Doctor Doctor.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first examination.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby. He checked the baby's weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk'.

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[Moontanman]

Please Print out and carry with you in case you forget what to do.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if
you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare..
You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as
if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later
than you think. It's Christmas!

3. if something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano
out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.

4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's.. You can do that in January when you have nothing
else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate
of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you
can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never
going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple,Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more
than one dessert? LaborDay?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.. I mean,
have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO
what a ride!' "

Have a great holiday season!

[satsumajin]

Secret Code

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own

handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the

letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:



370HSSV-0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides

had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it, so

it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning,

they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. MI6 cabled the White House:



"Tell the president he's holding the message upside down."