Quality Jokes and Humor

[ronthepon]

A man not very well versed in english was boarding a train with his son.

Upon reaching his reserved berth, he found a big and muscular woman sitting on his son's reserved seat.

"Please give berth to my son" He said.

[Boerseun]

Neighbour to little girl: "Hi, Suzie - why are you digging a hole in your mother's flowerbed?"
Little girl: "*Sob* - My goldfish died!"
Neighbour: "Haha, you silly girl, that hole is waaay to big for a goldfish!"
Little girl: "It's because he's inside your f*ckin' cat, asshole!"

[Michaelangelica]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch member, 3 pound left testicle,
3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says,
"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me, I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

Turn Around!"

[Turtle]

A guy comes into a bar with a duck & sets it on the stool next to him. "Hey", said the bartender, "you can't come in here with that pig!" The guy says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!" Bartender says, " I was talking to the duck."

[Turtle]

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A: A stick.

[Michaelangelica]

A ageist joke
Soon to be outlawed

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"she asks.
>> "No, I can remember it."
>> "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because
>> you know you'll forget it."
>> He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
>> strawberries."
>> "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
>> better write it down!" she retorts.
>> Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
>> it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
>> for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
>> After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
>> wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
>> She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

[sanctus]

Usually noone finds this joke ever funny, but I love it and I gues those who like maths like it as well:

An exponential and a constant were walking along a street whe suddenly they see a derivation. The exponential says "shall we go greeting her?"
constant: "no, I don't want to get annihilated"
exponential:"I'll go on my own then...."

The exponential walks over to the derivation and says all happily "hi, I'm the exponential of x".
The derivation answers even more happily "and I'm aderivation of y"

[paigetheoracle]

Originally Posted by Boerseun

Medical/philosophical question:

If you have sex with your clone, are you gay, or masturbating?

I don't know, now leave me a clone and get out of here!

[paigetheoracle]

I've got a bad back at the moment, so it was good to laugh at so many sharp ideas!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
'Coz the coward didn't have the guts to walk passed me!

What do you get if you cross a railway line with a tortoise?
Hit by a train

"What do you make of this gigantic footprint Watson?"
"Search me Holmes!"
"I'll give you a clue. Notice the tartan pattern on the sole"
" - you don't mean"
"Yes Watson,old chum - this was made by a member of the ancient Caledonian race!"
"Great Scot, a great Scot!"

Sir Bob Geldorf was asked why hunting should be banned
"The answer is obvious, for fox sake!"

"Where are you going on holiday Dave?"
"Narnia, what do you mean Narnia?"
"Narnia your bloody business is it?"

Rolf Harris was asked what he thought was the best thing about his portrait of the queen?
He said "I don't know really?" then he hummed and he hahed, and he hummed and he hahed.

A dalek got a job in a health spa and was asked on its first day what it knew about skin?
"I- can- fry- it- to- a- crisp!"
"Excellent - here's your first customer!"
"Exfoliate, exfoliate!"

Do retired Gynaecologists like to keep their hand in?

Become a professional body piercer today - join the army and get some bayonet practice in

Scottish murder website @GlasgowKnifemare /\- (That's forward slash, backward slash, sidewards slash)

'Hey Cilla, how did you think of our truck fest?'
'It was a lorra, lorra, lorries; Laurie'

I'm so confused by political correctness, that I can't tell Wright from Wong.

I thought that the Gaza Strip was what Wayne Rooney wore at football matches, until I tried Smirnoff (showing my age now)

The trouble with wedding cake is that it always ends up in tiers

What does a well off cannibal feed his dog? His pedigree chum.

Just before he died, Peter Sellers was bitten on the neck by a vampire. Professor Van Helsing, hearing of this, immediately rushed to his graveside, Digging open the casket, he opened up the lid, when a voice piped up inside
"Is that you Spike?"
"Well, sort of" Thud!

'Hey little girl, do you want to see my Willy?'
'Oh yes please!'
'Willy!'
'Yes Dad?'
'There's a little girl to see you!'

Ashburgers Syndrome - idiot who should never be left alone with a barbie

Has a woman giving a Frenchman a blow job, got a frog in her throat?

Don't play cards with a pair of big cats - one will always be lion and the other's bound to be a cheetah

The reason GW's speechmaking has improved of late is that his dad sent to Guantanamo Bay for electrocution lessons

If you're a turkey at Christmas, you're plucked!

Sad Chris Moss - Happy Chris Moss!


'Is it snowing outside?'
'No mine Feuhrer - it's hail Hitler!"

Slogans: -

I'm keeping up a brave front, considering what's going on behind my back!

Only a fool who's fooling himself, can fool another fool!

I have nothing to say but that I have nothing to say (and I can see no point in telling you that there is no point in telling you this)

[Michaelangelica]

A dalek got a job in a health spa and was asked on its first day what it knew about skin?
"I- can- fry- it- to- a- crisp!"
"Excellent - here's your first customer!"
"Exfoliate, exfoliate!"

The new Dr Who is cool!