Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Rated Irish joke of the Year



A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"

says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"

Asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!"

[Michaelangelica]

A love story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly...... He in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[DougF]

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Mark.

He replies, “None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Mark says, “I have a question for YOU. ” There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”



To which Little Mark replied,
“The correct answer is ‘the one with the Wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”

[freeztar]

[Michaelangelica]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing !"

[LJP07]

Jesus gave a hotel owner three nails and said "Can you put me up for the night?"

The worst thing about a bald pussy is that you have to put the nappy on afterwards.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? One, but you have to throw it very hard.

Sorry if these jokes are found offensive by some people, but I don't know if you will be offended or not. Hope not.

[Michaelangelica]

This is fun. especially if you have a touch of hypochondria ( and who doesen't?).
Disease Mongering Engine by naturalnews.com and Mike Adams

[Michaelangelica]

A shabbily dressed old woman dragged a battered cardboard box into a bank and demanded to see the bank manager.
She was reluctantly ushered into his office but her reception changed dramatically when she said she'd like to open an account with $750,000 that was in the box.
The manager ordered his staff to serve the new customer tea while three tellers counted the money. However, one whispered a message to the manager who told the woman, "I'm sorry madam, but there's only $725,00 in the box."
The woman asked to use his phone to speak to her husband and screamed at him, "George, you stupid old goat! You've given me the wrong box!"

[theblackalchemist]

A man goes into the bank,
screams at the help me desk,
"I wanna open a fookin account in this fookin bank!"
The lady was terrified, but she says
""Sorry sir, we dont tolerate such language here, you are requested to kindly leave"

the man screams again

"I wanna open a fookin account in this fookin bank! call your manager if you wanna, but I wanna open a fookin account in this fookin bank!"

The lady takes the man to the manager and leaves the room
The manager looks at the man and asks

"What may be your problem?"
The man says

"I say I wanna open a fookin account in this fookin bank..."
"Sorry sir but we don't tolerate your language here"
"Ok then, i'll just deposit my hecuva 1 million lottery somewhere else..."

The Manager scrams
"Who The fook told you you cant open a fookin account in this fookin bank?"


TBA

[alexander]

Not even meant to be a joke, more of a discovery really.

Reading throgh an assignment, wilst helping this guy out with his programming homework, the paper said "the temperature values can be entered as an integer or as a decimal number"