Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'

'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly.. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

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Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the
vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said Mr. Feeney, 'but I'm getting closer all the time.'

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the
morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!', he said..
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

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'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'




Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of
me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
against the wall," said the priest.


Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to
go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that
time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.
At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to
confession
to
repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber yard al! L those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he had died. He! Quickly phoned his
best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" Asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" Replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me
a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah! ?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.



"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

[Boerseun]

Ancient tribal wisdom will have it that "upon discovering you are riding a dead horse, it is best to dismount and find another horse".


Here in South Africa, more sophisticated strategies are employed, like the following:

1. Buy a stronger, more expensive whip.
2. Change the jockey.
3. Appoint a committee who will study the horse.
4. Appoint a commission to visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Lower standards so dead horses are also included.
6. Re-classify dead horses as "pulsationally challenged".
7. Appoint contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harness several more dead horses in order to improve the performance of the dead horse.
9. Provide more money and/or education in order to improve the dead horse's performance.
10. Do a productivity study to determine whether lighter jockeys will improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Review the expected performance requirements for dead horses.
12. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.


If the above made perfect sense to you, then you are a South African.

[Boerseun]

When do the Chinese have elections?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Waaaaaaait for it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just befole bleakfast!

(insert drum roll)

[Pyrotex]

Fu Lin's Laws of Project Management

1. When riding a horse, you are very likely to wind up in the direction that the horse is walking.

2. If the horse is headed in the wrong direction, then the only action of any value is to change the direction of the horse.

3. Beating the horse, or making it go slower or faster, will not change the direction of the horse.

4. Bringing the horse to a total stop may avoid going over the cliff, but renders the entire idea of 'riding a horse' rather pointless.

5. If the horse does go over the cliff, the rider will blame the horse.

[freeztar]

More Irish jokes forwarded through email..

Irish Shopping

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "the wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."


Irish Prayer

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"


No excuse

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there."


Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

[Thunderbird]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, Let me tell you something, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish .... on any land .... no questions asked or answers given ... have I made myself clear? Do YOU understand me?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased, close behind, by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your BADGE! Show him your badge!"

[Thunderbird]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances
out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Blackberry, and surfs to a
NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and emails
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within mere seconds, he receives an email that the image has
been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet
with email on his Laptop and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on
his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Color LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy........'You showed up here
even though nobody called you.....you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked.....You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are.....and you don't know a thing about cows.....
this is a herd of sheep.....Now give me back my dog.'

[Michaelangelica]

Grandma's driving

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd
never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the
guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window
and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving
and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through
the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[freeztar]

Silly physicists.

[freeztar]

Oh how I love xkcd!