Quality Jokes and Humor

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by Michaelangelica

silly; or maybe holy?...

It's sholly.
And funny.

[Michaelangelica]

Thanks friends



Finally, after all this time. I found The Meaning of Life!



So it's "i need to get my glasses fixed." ?

[Moontanman]

RING-RING
>
> "Hello?"
>
> "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
>
> "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
> Frank."
>
> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't
> got an Uncle Frank."
>
> "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
> right now"
>
> Brief Pause...
>
> "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the
> phone
> down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
> door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into
> the driveway."
>
> "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
>
> A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the
> phone.
> "I did it Daddy."
>
> "And what happened honey?" he asked.
>
> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
> clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped
> over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
> isn't moving at all!"
>
> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
>
> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was
> all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into
> the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you
> took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
> bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
>
> ***Long Pause***
>
> ***Longer Pause***
>
> Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???..... Is this
> 555-7039??"
>

[Moontanman]

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new
economic stimulus package....

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not
to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said,
'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists
thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said,
"This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the assholes in Washington------

[Moontanman]

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it
under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who
owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The redneck said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under
that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be
bred.'

'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't
hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog
wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always
wanted a police dog.

[Michaelangelica]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want.”
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, “How could we ever repay you Mr.”
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Moontanman]

Vacationing Near Transylvania
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light which is coming from a large old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion. " Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily he climbs the steps to his conservatory which houses his grand piano, for it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play and a stirring, almost haunt ing melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:


"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry...... but you really should've seen that coming.)

[Moontanman]

O x y m o r o n s


1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"

when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control

when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only= have one?

27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?


29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?

[Michaelangelica]

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

I give up. What's the answer?

[Moontanman]

Sex – Work or pleasure?

The commanding officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50%.

The colonel’s aide responded with 75-25% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, ‘Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.’

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

‘Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.’