Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

therapy session


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name: Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy at school and get
dinner started."

[Moontanman]

I FOUND JESUS!


He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana

[Moontanman]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS



IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said, "Cool"!



STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE.......... and they vote

[Moontanman]

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Greenfield because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.






Did you see this coming?????

[Boerseun]

The priest goes and visits the farmer on his big successful farm that he started many years ago from scratch, having built everything up with his bare hands to the sterling success it became.

So the priest reminds the farmer that he shouldn't forget to thank the Lord for being the reason of the farm's success.

"Might well be, father, but you should have seen this place when the Lord was farming here by himself..."

[Moontanman]

Larry's in the hospital again.

Ok, you’re asking, “Who the hell is Larry?”

Larry got home late one night, and his wife asked, “Where in the hell have you been?”

Larry replied, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking? Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And four, instead of going out shopping, now you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”


Larry is recovering in room 232 at the hospital.

[Pyrotex]

Originally Posted by Moontanman

... now you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”....

I don't get it.

[InfiniteNow]

I'm not sure... You may need to be from Texas to appreciate this one. Enjoy.


Texas summertime...


*
Dear Diary

June 1 :

Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful
sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my
home. I love it here.

June 14th :

Really heating up. Got to 100 today . Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th :

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today . Lots of cactus and
rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another
scorcher today , but I love it here.

July 10th :

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to
the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th :

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th :

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By
the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now
smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in
this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th :

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as
fire.* The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged
$200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th :

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I
can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today . It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today ?' I'm going to
strangle him. Lots of heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling
over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats
in the car, I thought I was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost
2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a. . . Now
my car smells like burnt hair, fried a, and baked cat.

Aug 10th :

The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and
sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 long months and the
weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in
this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus
will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this
heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today . Cactus are dead.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you
today ?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas
. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

[DougF]

If you receive an email
from the
Department of Health
telling you not to eat
canned pork
because of
swine flu............


Ignore it.

It's just Spam.

[Moontanman]

The Wisconsin Ghost

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't exist! This happened about a month ago just outside of Stoughton, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's
window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Stoughton.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots, then told everybody about his experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to he other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in da rain