Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

This one was sent to me by my kid's GODmother!

Story with a moral
Story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story.....

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it..
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper supper.'

Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches....
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular river around meal time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story .....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

A pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
Didn't see that one coming, did you?


--

[Moontanman]

Three cowboys were seated around the
campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the
pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of
bravado, a night of tall tales...

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the
strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It
had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the
horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my
teeth."

Ben from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.
That's nothing, "I was walking down the trail
yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that
bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the
poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly
ache."

Old Bert, the cowboy from Indiana remained silent, slowly
stirring the campfire coals with his penis.

[Moontanman]

Why I Had To Change Hotels


Last week I checked into my hotel in Atlanta and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
Hair, long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

[Turtle]

i was texting a friend & mentioned that i had baked zuccini bread. i received this reply. (jenny is his wife)

message: cool. jenny naked banana bread today.

three hours later i received another text from him containing a single word.

2^nd message: baked

[Moontanman]

Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings---

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ....

[Pyrotex]

GGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

[DougF]

Ok this hit the news yesterday and I hear it's Popping up all over but if you have not seen this I'll post it, The US has always like to pick fun at those in charge and I'm no different.

[DougF]

Tithing

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.


"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you"?


The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living"


"He is a veterinarian," she answered?

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does He practice"?


The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada.
He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.

[Theory5]

here are some:
Have you heard about the Monica Virus? It attacks laptops.
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George W. Bush and his driver were crusing along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bush told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later Bush see's his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked George
"Well the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My god what did you tell them?" asks Bush
The driver replies, "I'm George W. Bush's driver, and I just killed the pig."
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Mrs. Perkins was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly" she said, "But my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."
"What do you mean?" The beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."
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How many members of the American Force Against Terrorism does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.
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Why did the blond have lipstick on her steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.
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A flight dispatcher watches a plane somehow manage to spin on the tarmac and land tail end forward. "Flight Tango Victor Foxtrot, what the hell is going on?" He shouts into the microphone, "Let me speak to the captian!"
"The c ... c ... the captain is drunk," comes the reply.
"Then give me the co-pilot."
"He, he's d ... d ... d ... drunk too."
"Well, and who's talking?"
"A ... auto ... p ... p ... p ... pilot.."
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I cant belive this one hasnt been told already, its hilarious:

Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, and Nelson Mandela are in a jet with 20 kids. The plane suffers an irreparable electronics failure and is doomed to crash. As smoke billows through the plane, it becomes apparent that the plane has only 20 parachutes.
Nelson Mandela, a great humanitarian, says that the children should have them.
Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, "Screw the children!"
Michael Jackson whispers, "Do we have enough time?"
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How can you tell a blind man in a nudist colony?
Its not hard...
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What happens to a laywer when he takes viagra?
He gets taller...
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Enjoy!

[InfiniteNow]

Originally Posted by DougF

The US has always like to pick fun at those in charge and I'm no different.

I know humor is subjective, but that isn't very funny to me. It shows just how violent and unfocused the rage has become in our populace. Okay... humor... my bad.