Theologic Humor; The Gravest Of Matters

[Turtle]

Rather than launch into the deeper areas of this discourse, I will simply start with a joke.

*A minister found himself disastified with the take in the plate every week and so he decided to pay for a course in hypnosis. After weeks of training, and having mastered the skill, he gave his first sermon with his new gift. Midway of the speech he took out his watch & began to swing it on the fob as he spoke. Soon the congregation was under & he told them "today, each & every one of you will put a dollar bill in the colllection plate." Came the plates up, and counting the bills and the people, the minister was amazed to see each parishoner had indeed put in a dollar.
*The following week, he proceeded as before; taking the watch out mid-sermon and hypnotizing the crowd. This time however, he instructed the believers to put $5 dollar bills in the holy tithe plate. As before, he counted the bils, counted the dupes, and voila!! Every single one of them put in a fiver; no more, no less.
*Now the intervening week was a toil with Satan himself for the minister as he tried desperately to justify the $10 dollars he now planned to collect in the Lord's service. He managed to of course through intense prayer and so came the Sunday Sermon on the subject of Greed. Midway, out takes the minister his watch and hypnotyzes the sheep in record time by speeding up the rate of swing. Just as he had pronounced his magic phrase "today...each & everyone of you will put in the collection plate...", the fob broke & the watch shot off the daise & ricocheted from the organ. Without thinking, the right good reverend exclaimed loudly "crap!".
*The lambs dutifully filled the plates as instructed.

[Boerseun]

Good thread idea, shelly dude.

The Chief Rabbi goes to Rome for a courtesy visit. So he sits in the Pope's office and they do the chit-chat and smalltalk, and he notices a red telephone on the Pope's desk.
"That's my direct line to God," the Pope said, noticing the frown on the Rabbi's face.
"Oy," the Rabbi said, "can I make a call?"
"Sure," said the Pope "It's only ten dollars a minute. Rather cheap, I'd say."
So the Rabbi makes his call and discuss matters of the synagogue with God.

A few years later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on a courtesy visit. So he's in the synagogue in the Chief Rabbi's office, and notices a red phone on the Rabbi's desk.
"My line to God," the Rabbi said.
"Can I make a call?" the Pope asked.
"Sure - go ahead; it's only ten cents a minute."
"Ten cents!? How did you manage that?" the Pope asked, feeling done in.
So the Rabbi said:
"You have to remember; it's a local call!"

[coldcreation]

Originally Posted by Boerseun

Good thread idea, shelly dude.

The Chief Rabbi goes to Rome for a courtesy visit. So he sits in the Pope's office and they do the chit-chat and smalltalk, and he notices a red telephone on the Pope's desk.
"That's my direct line to God," the Pope said, noticing the frown on the Rabbi's face.
"Oy," the Rabbi said, "can I make a call?"
"Sure," said the Pope "It's only ten dollars a minute. Rather cheap, I'd say."
So the Rabbi makes his call and discuss matters of the synagogue with God.

A few years later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on a courtesy visit. So he's in the synagogue in the Chief Rabbi's office, and notices a red phone on the Rabbi's desk.
"My line to God," the Rabbi said.
"Can I make a call?" the Pope asked.
"Sure - go ahead; it's only ten cents a minute."
"Ten cents!? How did you manage that?" the Pope asked, feeling done in.
So the Rabbi said:
"You have to remember; it's a local call!"

hi hi hiiii.
dime and time are now fused into the same dimension

[Mercedes Benzene]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

[sanctus]

I moved it, it's very funny but no theology...

[Turtle]

The Holy Deacon
by Ambrose Bierce

An Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard
for several hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church:

"Brother, these people know you, and your active support will bear
fruit abundantly. Please pass the plate for me, and you shall have
one fourth."

The Holy Deacon did so, and putting the money into his pocket
waited till the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight.

"But the money, brother, the money that you collected!" said the
Itinerant Preacher.

"Nothing is coming to you," was the reply; "the Adversary has
hardened their hearts, and one fourth is all they gave."

[Pyrotex]

A reverent man of the Lord decided that being a minister of a small church just wasn't doing enough "good works". So, he raised a donation from his congregation, sold all he had, and went with his wife and six children to minister unto the poor heathen savages on the distant island of Pago Pago.

His sojourn on the island was brutal. A typhoon destroyed the local church he had built at such great effort. Then his belongings so carefully carried across the great ocean were destroyed by a small volcanic eruption. The last few Bibles were eaten by slugs. His family caught some gruesome disease and died one by one. He himself became covered in itching boils, an allergy to some common plant on the islands. His newly formed congregation spit on him and dispersed, leaving him alone, but not before he was tempted into carnal sin by one of the half-naked lovelies and became infested with crabs. To top this all off, when he finally dragged himself back to the island's port, seeking assistance from the consulate to return home, he was arrested for a crime he did not commit and promptly sent to a makeshift gallows.

There he stood, half naked himself, cut, broken and bleeding, totally demoralized and humiliated, and a noose around his neck. He looked up into the sky and shouted, "Why me Lord? Why me?"

To which a deep bass voice rumbled down from the mountains:

"Oh, I don't know. There's just something about you that pisses me off."

[Cedars]

Charles Addams cartoon 1935

[Pyrotex]

A tour bus full of Christian preachers and their wives, on an inpirational vacation in the Holy Land, runs over a land mine and blows to smithereens, killing all onboard.

The preachers and their wives find themselves on a loooooooong silver staircase, with mother-of-pearl handrails, leading up to a cloud deck. At the top of the stairs, they see a huge pearly gate. In front of it sits a polished gold desk with a book and two large buttons, one red, one green. Behind the desk sits Saint Peter. (He wears a name tag.)

The first preacher approaches the desk and says, "Saint Pete, it's good to see ya! My wife and I can't wait to enter Heaven! I want you to know that I've been a faithful preacher for 20 years!"

Saint Peter says, "I'm sure you have, but formalities must be met. I'll just look you up in the Book here and... Oh, my! It says here that you were secretly obsessed with booze! You even kept booze in your church study! You even married a woman named 'Brandy'! I'm afraid you must go to hell."

He pushed the big red button, Ka-CLICK!
A trapdoor opened beneath their feet, BANG! Clatter-clatter!
The pair screamed and dropped out of sight, AAAaaaaaiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!

The next pair approached the desk. The man said, "Well, I wasn't addicted to booze or anything else, Saint Peter. I was a preacher for 25 years and brought 300 lost souls to the Lord."

Saint Peter said, "I'm sure you did, but let's just check... Oh, my! It says here you were obsessed with money! All you ever thought about was money. You embezzled money from your churches. You even married a woman named 'Penny'!"

Ka-CLICK!
BANG! Clatter-clatter!
AAAaaaaaiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!

The third preacher turned to his wife and said, "C'mon Fanny, let's see if we can find us an elevator."

[Cedars]

one of my fav Pope pics